I can actually eat normally again, although I'm more careful about minimizing processed food because of the sodium content. Yesterday we headed down to the Wildwood BBQ Festival and we shared ribs, pulled pork & coleslaw, and cornbread and my stomach and pancreas had no trouble. The cornbread was so good it inspired me to bake some today, and I was so happy to have something other than fish or chicken!

 I'm slowly getting through the backlog of things on my to-do list since I normally wake up around 7-8am now so I have the whole day. Shredding, recycling, trash, laundry, peach-cherry banana muffins, and blueberry lemon cornbread have all been done, and cleaning was last weekend so I'm fairly caught up at this point.

I also went a little crazy during Prime Day since I'm still nesting in the apartment and getting things ready. It's easy to fall into a routine, and one of the major things I did when I moved out of NYC after 11 years in my last apartment was throw away things I still had with me from college (I bought them in 1997-2004 between undergrad & grad) since I never replaced them. Now that I'm pulling in a good salary, my retirement accounts are set up, and I have savings, I'm trying not to literally use things that are worn out/don't work/don't use/don't fit any more.

Not that I'm doing a full purge, but I really do hang on to things beyond their useful life. The next major clean will be to evaluate my wardrobe, partly because I no longer physically go to work, partly because my weight has fluctuated so much, and partly because (again) I have 20+ year old clothes that have seen better days and are just taking up space. I ordered some new tops/dresses/shorts during Prime Day and hopefully it will be a place to start next weekend.

 Yesterday I went back to my parents for the fireworks down there and was reminded of two things:

1) Do not try to go south on the Parkway on Friday or Saturday or north on Sundays in the summer. I had to take a secondary route home unless I felt like waiting hours in bumper to bumper traffic (spoiler alert: I didn't).

2) Dear lord, how in the hell did I put up with the yelling and dysfunction for three years during Covid or the 6 weeks recently? I think I just learned to shut it out which makes it that much more jarring when I return.

 Those two things notwithstanding, I very much enjoyed the fireworks and also brought down corn on the cob and pumpernickel bread from a farm stand near me as well as banana-lemon bread I had baked. I have baked oatmeal with fruit in the fridge for breakfast and tortellini to make for the week's food so I'm good to go. I also managed to mop my wood floors and vacuum the rugs today, although scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors will have to wait for another day since I'm still (mostly) pacing myself.

Speaking of which, I'm still finding myself more tired than I remember so I must still be building back my strength. I'd say I'm about 85% though, which is a VERY significant improvement, and more so since being back in the apartment since I am more physically active just by cleaning, doing errands, hauling groceries, cooking, and baking.

I also am down 90 pounds from my heaviest in May 2023 at 227 lbs, and barely fit into the clothes I had when I left NYC at 140, so I may have to go shopping at some point, but that can wait for now since it's not like I'm going out to work every day. Now I get to see if I can maintain that weight! 

I'm so happy to be back home! Today I moved back to my apartment and was seriously running out of patience. I was so tired of having my mom watch everything I ate and did, their constant talking during my work day when any interruption when she's on the computer is met with "Can't you see I'm busy?!" and most of all the low-level tension that exists between my parents. I know that relationship and see the tension they both hold toward each other's shortcomings, but they also know that I will listen to them complain about each other. What they don't get is how much that tension rubs off on me when I'm there for long periods of time. It sucks, always has, and always will, but for my own health I needed them to help me do just daily tasks.

I've still got about 10 pounds of water weight to shed, but today I enlisted them to help me food shop, I Swiffered the apartment, made peach-strawberry quick bread for breakfast this week, and tomorrow I'm making meatloaf. It's more energy than I've had in over a month.

Of course the flip side is that I'm still awake since I'm just reveling in being able to relax, watch TV, and not have to deal with them for a while. I figure that as long as I can sleep tomorrow night I'll be good to go, since I don't need the crazy amount of sleep any more that I did when I left the hospital. Six weeks makes a big difference.

So for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and I know I can keep on the proper path. The alternative is no longer an alternative without seriously risking death.

I'm still alive and recovering, in fact I gave back the oxygen tanks yesterday after a week of my O2 sats remaining over 90 even at night. However, I'm still weaker than I was and tired most of the time. I need to constantly remind myself I'm recovering from pneumonia, pancreatitis, jaundice, and hepatitis all at the same time so OF COURSE this is taking forever. I'm also no longer 20 years old any more, and when I had the breathing issues post-appendicitis and ventilator that also took 6 weeks at less than half of my current age.

I'll get through this, and next weekend I plan on returning to my apartment, so I'll be doing stairs again and hauling groceries, along with hopefully getting around to cleaning it since it's been about 2 months since I last did so, but I need to put me first. Rest when I can. Don't overwork myself. And keep doing the next right thing. 

It's been 3 weeks since I was released from the hospital, and the exertion a week ago cooking/baking/etc touched off a short bit of pancreatitis again, so it's back to bland foods (boo!). My sister lasted all of 3 days before she couldn't take sleeping on the fold out couch and couldn't adjust to the noise of my oxygen concentrator at night which I still need. Sorry to disturb your beauty rest - oh wait, not sorry since I've been suffering about 100X what you are.

 I finally got back to my apartment briefly yesterday, and while my plants are dying and I watered them to give them a shot, everything else seems in order. I am greatly looking forward to being able to go back, but I know I'm not there yet. The swelling still has to go down in my abdomen and legs, and I'm hoping to gain more strength and nap less as time goes on.

Slow progress, but progress is being made and I shall see how much longer it takes until I feel mostly normal. Any way you slice it though, I want to be back in my apartment on June 29th as my mail forwarding ends. It's a good goal to have.

So, that low oxygen? Not from the pancreatitis. Despite having no fever, I contracted flu type A while I was in the hospital which progressed to bilateral pneumonia. Basically when my O2 dropped to 80 at night I finished out the work week then drove to CityMD and then to the ER where they admitted me and I stayed for 8 days while they cleared up some of the pneumonia.

I had to move in with my parents temporarily and STILL have the swelling in my abdomen and legs despite being on water pills since my body basically totally freaked out and my liver started retaining fluid again. I also had to be on home oxygen to maintain an O2 above 90 for the first week and finally am off the oxygen enough that I can probably give it back this coming Tuesday.

And of course, because of all of the health problems I've had I was working from my hospital bed this time for 4 out of the 5 work days I was in the hospital. Oy. I am beyond ready just to take time and properly recover, but without anyone to cover at work for me on a long term basis it's just not possible.

Today was one of the first days I had any time in a month beyond working, napping, and doctor appointments, and it was good just to get some basic socialization with my mom's friend who invited us over. I baked lemon pudding cakes for us to enjoy and plan an early bedtime since tomorrow my sister stops by for a short appearance and I committed to making chicken paprikash for us.

I may be staying with my parents, and not able to contribute much since I'm still kind of ill, but I refuse to act like my sister and will pitch in where I can. And that sums up SO MUCH about how she and I operate.

I tried. I really did try to be healthy enough to survive Easter, but ended up in the hospital (again) with an attack of pancreatitis. I quit drinking for the month before, tried to eat healthy-ish, and tried to exercise as much as I could around work and my flagging strength.

However, after the meal I started feeling unwell, like my stomach had doubled in size, then the shaking and vomiting started after an hour or so while we were still at my aunt's. My aunt has a pulse-ox we made her get during Covid and I was running a 91 or below on both hands so the ambulance was called. They took me to Clara Maas, which isn't the best hospital in NJ, but at least now they're part of RWJBH so my doctors will be able to see any test results, etc. The family stayed as long as they could, but had to get back to South Jersey so around 10pm I told them to go home.

At this point I've vomited up everything except bile, but then the real pain hits, so they gave me morphine and admitted me upstairs around 2am. I was there from Sunday night to Thursday after dinner and were contemplating a paracentesis on Wednesday, although as it turns out my ascites weren't voluminous enough to take the risk of hitting something unintended, so I worked on getting home the next day. I found out I'm not allergic to penicillin or Zosyn after all (yay!), and I was SO glad to get out of the hospital, but it's been hell, not gonna lie.

I still have a persistent cough and low oxygen so I have to rest more, and am up at least twice per night coughing. My legs and ankles have significantly swelled, and my lower body strength is limited as a result. I look like I'm pregnant since everything's still inflamed, although I can eat without throwing it back up. Still, I was logged back on to work as of Monday since I can at least work from home even though I feel like I'm moving through molasses. 

My sister had done some research and found closer GI/hepatologist specialists about 1/2 an hour away, so I made a new patient appointment with the one who appealed most to me, which miraculously didn't take 2 months to procure, so May 7th I'll see him as a second opinion. If there are lingering symptoms for edema, weakness, and breathing I figure he can address those as well, and until then I'll just tough it out, since that's what I always do.

So that's the status for now. All other plans have to be put on hold while I work, rest, and hopefully get well enough to drive to the appointment myself, otherwise I'm requesting a ride from the parents if necessary, but it certainly was an Easter none of us will ever forget, although not in a good way!

Interestingly, and not in a good way, my liver is doing what it did when I was in the hospital. Even though my bilirubin was much lower then, it still started going up again by the 4th and 5th day there despite (obviously) not drinking.

Last week I had repeat blood work, and same again, bilirubin had slightly increased despite 2 weeks of not drinking. Therefore the nausea and fatigue is still hanging on but I managed sushi on Friday and hopefully by Easter I'll be okay to eat a normal meal without feeling like I'm going to have it make a reappearance unless I lie down ASAP.

In other news, I'm nesting. I bought a window bird feeder that should attach to my sliding balcony doors, and for my birthday requested a glass or crystal vase for the fresh flowers I bring in from the supermarket when my little Christmas tree isn't up. The last touch will be a reed diffuser (another birthday gift request) even though my windows are mostly open spring and fall once the temperature holds. 

I'm greatly looking forward to that, and hearing the evening insects during the summer, a major reason why I torture myself hauling my groceries upstairs to the second floor since it means I can leave my windows open without worrying about being broken into. Once in a lifetime is enough for being burglarized, but it was certainly a learning experience!

I'm also trying to figure out WTF to do with money, although I've always been on the more conservative end of a stock portfolio so I haven't been hit as hard as others, but I know the Trump pain is far from over so I need to prep. When I'm finally feeling better I'll have to put that up as a priority.

 

Today I was looking up what seasons of Top Chef were on Netflix for background noise while working, when I noticed The Menu is there, but leaving soon. Of course I had to put it on for tonight.

I first saw this on FLIX on cable TV, and the previews had intrigued me initially. As I watched it, I absolutely loved the subversive tone and eventual twists as the plot progresses, and have watched it as often as I could find it there. It's one of the more clever movies I've seen in a long time and has a lot to say about classes, obsession, and more.

I will miss it when it leaves Netflix, but if they still make DVDs I may have to locate one of those to add to my library.

The nausea from jaundice has been SO BAD all week that I've had to lie down for 15 minutes even during work to make sure I'm not going to vomit up what I've managed to choke down. Today, maybe because I got a reprieve from sitting still for 10 hours, it's marginally better. It still took about 2 hours in the morning with yogurt & cereal and a brief lie-down to quell it, but I was productive once it receded.

I had mopped my wood floors Friday night since we were relatively quiet at work, and today was laundry, turning my mattress, replacing sheets, dusting, vacuuming rugs, scouring kitchen & bathroom floors, and cleaning tub, toilet and sink. Then I officially ran out of energy and my butt will be on this couch until I go to bed. 

Tomorrow is food shopping, where I will endeavor to find some blander products to eat this week in the hopes that the nausea will pass. I'm already less yellow than I was, which bodes well that my body is compensating slowly but surely for the abuse I've put it through, so it's just a matter of keep on keeping on and do what I can with the energy I can muster. This too shall pass. I just have to stay focused on not drinking.

As much as I have resisted this, I think I officially surrender. After 5 days in the hospital mid-February for pancreatitis and now a second case of jaundice, I have to admit that my liver simply cannot handle drinking any more. Like at all. Ever. The pain, nausea, and fatigue go away while I'm drinking but the aftermath is getting nastier and nastier, and at some point it will reach a point of no return.

Will I be tempted? Definitely, but it's reached such an extreme place that my options are either stop now, or die like my cousin did. Luckily my parents do know, and they are being supportive instead of guilt-tripping or smothering me as they have in the past. I think it's finally hit them that this is something I have to do myself and while they can support and help, they can't fix it, and the more they try to control it the worse the impact on me.

I still have a chance to survive for a while longer, although I don't delude myself that this probably has shortened my life span by at least a couple of decades. So I'll take that chance and hope that things do improve. I've stepped back at work since I refuse to stress out so much any more, and I doubt they would fire me anyway since I am the only night shift for a good three hours per night. We're currently experiencing the Trump effect where activity has slowed down since no one in business knows what in the hell he's going to do next so everyone's sitting tight, but we'll pick up again.

For now I'm looking forward to my birthday, and a trip to Newport, RI with my mom where I hope to have lots and lots of lobster rolls. Life has other rewards that are far more constructive.

Today was my rest day, so of course that meant I cleaned, did dishes, and food shopped. No rest for the wicked, I suppose.

I also gave another stab at the latest mini kit which I had put on hold since I had to cut out every. single. piece. from paper with an Xacto knife. I was willing to keep plugging away at it until I realized some of the paper was blank that should have been printed. That's when I finally threw it all back in the box and said fuck this. I've done 3 successful mostly wood kits from the same company, but this new company? Will never order from them again. If they're going to send impossibilities, I am not going to try and hand draw/color these things. 

Luckily the same kit is available through different vendors, but I'll be much more careful about reading the reviews before I buy it. I assumed that if this is what they produce for a living it would be at least decent quality, but nope, proven wrong.

Oh well, that means time to start Alton Brown's book that my dad got for me, and do a puzzle since my patience with minis was pure rage by the time I realized this kit was not even possible to finish.

Tomorrow it's off to brunch with the parents then some good old fashioned mall shopping, although my shopping tolerance usually only extends to about 2 hours normally. Still, it will be good exercise, and since I accidentally left my coat at Burger King on Wednesday I'll be browsing the end of winter sales. Not a bad weekend overall.

I'm making small but positive steps. Today I went an hour south to have my hair cut & colored, tomorrow it's off to my primary care 30 minutes south where I get to try to explain the health shitshow my life has been, but I'm always honest with my doctors since they can't treat what they don't know about. I was supposed to do bloodwork, but considering I had a TON of tests when I was in the hospital, I figure he can take it from there.

Speaking of hospital stays, I still have bills coming in and of course it's never from a single source, it's all different providers so it's hard to keep track of. As long as I don't get sent to collection, I should be okay though. Plus most bills come in text form links to websites so I have to make sure it's not a scam first. Ah, the joys of technology.

But I'm putting one foot in front of the other, not taking work as seriously, and occasionally tuning in on the shitshow in our government right now. Who knows how that will turn out, but none of us have a crystal ball, sad to say. As long as I can keep my job and apartment I'll be okay.

I am dating myself again, but I remember when Chris Farley died. They mentioned the four components, depression, anxiety, cocaine, and alcohol. One of his colleagues said when one went up another went down so it was a balancing act until he overdosed. 

I get it. I got it even back then since it is our illnesses/weaknesses causing all of the damn problems. Cocaine was never mine, but the other three are deadly too, and there is no guaranteed fix. I've been fighting for 25 years but I don't know how many years I have left. All I can do is try to work out help and know that it will not always work. I will relapse, and relapse a million more times, and these three things will kill me eventually.

For anyone with mental illness it is always a back and forth for trying to fix it, and so many people choose other substances since antidepressants/psych meds do not work, or do not work well, or you get on what I call the medical merry-go-round, but don't have time to get around that without working. I try to help those who are searching for answers, and sometimes have been able to since I've been through all but jail, but yeah.

It's hard. I need help myself now as I need a psychiatrist and psychologist here. Moving changed everything and then moving again and pretending to be ok is finally not ok. The only truth is that I finally confessed to it so the consequences will come, and they won't be pretty, but hopefully I can find someone who can help me.

I'm tired. Tired of the grind from work, tired of hearing fucked up information from family on who has murdered/been to jail recently. Tired of having to hold it together through it all on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Tired of dealing with my sister not dealing with life. Tired of my alcoholism, depression, anxiety and not being able to access proper support because our healthcare system sucks.

 But what I do have going for me is that I'm a goddamn stubborn bitch and not going to give up. I will fight until I can't anymore since that is what I fucking do. It exhausts me and makes me think at times that I can't, but I won't.

Yeah. So. Holy shit Christ on a cracker and all that. I've already experienced when my cousin tried to kill my uncle twice. And now this: https://nypost.com/2025/03/01/us-news/princeton-man-allegedly-murdered-and-mutilated-by-brother-mourned-at-funeral/

I've known mental illness runs on that side of our family. I have it myself, although my sister & I promised not to kill each other no matter what after this. I have no words except that I'm traumatized again.

So I've had better months. February is always hard for some reason, but I've survived it. My aunt is still alive and has had the stent placement she should have had 6 years ago, but still needs a heart valve replacement, and even then, since she delayed so long there's a chance she won't last much longer.

My mom fractured her back from passing out when she had the flu and is recovering, but my dad's taking the brunt of trying to run back & forth an hour & a half north and he's no spring chicken either. I wish we still were closer to my aunt, but it is what it is, and we do the best we can. I'm dealing. And I know it will get better, or at least I have to believe that.

 I'm up to cutting again. It's a habit I've never been able to get rid of since high school, but I try to work around it with coping skills. I put the knife down tonight, I choose a paring knife since it won't require an ER visit if I'm extra angry or depressed.

Normal people never even work with this, and trying to maintain a normal facade is just fucking exhausting. To them it's repulsive and abnormal, and even those in recovery from substances just see this as odd since dual diagnosis people are hit with (obviously) a double problem. I know the reasons, I know the causes, but it does help in a weird way. Or not so weird way since it makes sense to me, just not the rest of the world. I just try to work things out and a couple of additional scars won't make a difference to me, although I'll have to hide them from family.

So the shitshow is already in effect and there's nothing I can do to change the administration chaos. I also saw how bad it could get (hypothetically) in terms of people who chose to compete in Squid Game on Netflix on Season 1.

Season 2 was another gut punch. Not for the violence which we saw in Season 1 (and 2), but the demonstration of how most people vote against their best interest, expecting that somehow they will be the lucky ones. The ones where others are punished/killed but they remain somehow above it by chance to win more than they ever imagined, regardless of the reality where they are as vulnerable as everyone else since there is no mercy coming for any particular person.

It was an intriguing concept, especially considering the recent election. In the first episode there was a man handing out either a bread roll or a lottery scratch-off to homeless people sleeping in the park. Most took the lottery ticket, and I'm saying "Take the damn bread!" Then the man empties the leftover bread on the plaza and stomps it into the ground for those who passed on it, and hands out business cards as a call to participate in the game for those who have nothing, not even bread for a short term relief.

There were so many instances where people decided they knew better, that "one more game" would allow them to survive despite knowing that their lives were literally on the line. I'm not saying it's an easy series to watch but they absolutely nail the mindset of those who voted for Trump, believing lies, pretending real world consequences don't exist, and ultimately putting themselves in the line of fire. I don't want this to happen here, and I hope not because Trump is so chaotic and undisciplined, but it will come back to bite them if he continues this way. Not exactly Red Light Green Light, but it may come down to actual planning. And that is where he will fail.

He can't even stay on a teleprompter speech for an hour, let alone craft a full federal policy for anything. We'll likely see increasing amounts of resistance in the federal government, many who have served for decades and they will not want to give up, but passive aggressiveness can do a lot to change things. The parallels between Squid Game season 2 are just eerie, however, since it was filmed far ahead of this debacle.We'll see how it all works out, good or bad.

I'm mentally prepping myself for the next 4 years of another shitshow. Considering his first inaugural speech dealt with "American carnage" and even W said "that was some weird shit," I have no idea what's going to come out of Trump's mouth tomorrow.

I will watch, of course, since forewarned is forearmed, but damn it all, how can the American people be so stupid to elect him after his previous 4 years of what the hell is he going to do/say/Tweet that made no sense? I don't understand it, and probably never will, but I do acknowledge the right of respecting the election results. We shall see how it plays out.