I've survived the first cut, although I know there's another one coming in the end to keep the "best of the best" while not creating a PR nightmare by flat out firing by affiliation. I guess in that way I'm lucky enough to know that it's never really as cut an dried as they pretend, and try to soldier on. I'm finding it harder than ever however. I never wanted the career I chose; not in the traditional sense, which I found out too late. I've made the best of it in between with a few major mistakes that I've somehow managed to gloss over and found a job where I do mostly like going to it. Yet the entire time I know that especially in this global market and the uncertainty, there's a very serious push that we are expendable.

I hate to ask, but really, is this it in terms of what my generation can experience? With all of the outsourcing, and the search for subsequent cheaper outsourcing, I really wonder if there is any way to continue my job without sacrificing the purpose of quality research over all aspects of the question? And does it matter to those in charge of hiring and firing?

I have no answers. And that causes the most anxiety. All I can do is hope, and try to bury my insecurity and fear which seems unspoken, but it permeates the entire time I've worked there.

I have a lot of thinking to do.