I've been giving a lot of thought to the NYC life lately. There are a lot of sacrifices I make to live here and I haven't always optimized it or done what's best for me. Due to a lot of things shifting over the past two years in my work, personal, and family life, it's leading to a pretty intense re-evaluation process which is still ongoing. It's taken about 2 hours to try to properly express myself about this.

For years I've held the 3-5 rule which I saw happen many times. Even those who intend on relocating here for the foreseeable future usually hit that breaking point between 3-5 years when they decide they're done with NYC and move on.  Those who stay beyond that mark tend to stay permanently. We become uncomfortable with driving constantly, yet are completely at ease charging through Grand Central at rush hour, or watching the street and the traffic light simultaneously to figure out when to jaywalk, or when to cross and gesture a WTF at the asshole that just tried to run you over despite you having the light. There's the smile you break into (subtly) on a clown car subway train when you hear someone, whether it's a New Yorker or a tourist, bemoan the press of bodies and realizing that you don't even think twice about it any more.

There's an old 2005 NYC guidebook left by my cousins when they were here temporarily which I've been paging through. Recently I've been trying to skim it from the perspective from an international visitor and it gives me an idea of all I take for granted and how suited I am to be here. Con games, fake homeless, and other types of scams are everywhere here but you have to be skeptical enough to see through it. During my suburban upbringing I was naive for a very long time. Once I'd experienced parts of life and committed to working in NYC, however, there is a particular revelation from an encounter (coincidentally from 2005) which is always in the back of my mind

A young kid, maybe 22, hobbled up to me on crutches in the marbled NJ Transit lobby as I was waiting for my train to arrive in Penn Station. Instinctively I suspected a scam, but it was 5pm and crowded so I knew I'd be safe (clue #1 that if you think that way, you probably belong here). I figured I would give him a chance to try his best.

He had a sob story about how he was drunk and tripped getting to the tracks, was trying to get home; he just needed $7 but New Yorkers were so mean! He claimed he'd offered his license and cell phone as collateral, and that he was really in pain and no one would help. I think normal people would either ignore him, nervously say no, sorry, or just give him money. I took a minute to really look at him and his expression, and the conversation went something like this.

Me: You offered your cellphone?
Him: Yeah!
Me: Ok, let me see it.
Him: What?
Me: Let me see it.  You said you'd offered it to people.
Him: Well, I don't really...
Me: No, just let me see it.
Him: I don't have it here...

I cut him off at this point.

Me: Look, if you're going to do this for a living, you never offer what you're not willing to give or over-promise in general. It blows your whole story. Just state the situation, see if you get sympathy, and if not, move on.
Him: *pause* Yeah...thanks.
Me: You're welcome; good luck!
Him: Ok, bye!

I still have that kind of chutzpah (to be Brooklyn) in spurts. This was the conversation yesterday in a bodega while I was buying cigs.

(PS, the cashier knows me, so I knew I could joke)

Random Guy: (as I walk in) But there's got to be something that we can work out.
Me: Marlboro Lights, please.
Random Guy: Well what about getting few scratch-offs? (You could tell he and the cashier knew each other as well)
Cashier: $13.50. (directly to me) Customers come first. Right?
Me: Unless he's busting your balls; then we come second.
Random Guy: I like her!
Me: Thanks!

In other cities, other milieus, this would be an offensive exchange, but here it's comfortable. I've been in this neighborhood almost 6 years. I've seen a lot and yet I don't think I'm done with this attitude, this life, this flippant, joyful side of myself.

Afterwards I walked to pool. And won. That feeling, that dominance, is the slice of life I treasure and gives me confidence. It's a strength I have in me to assert myself that I almost never felt before being in NYC. It's tenuous and sputtering often lately, but moments like these make me proud that I still have that fire and sass. I feel that there's some core knowledge I might someday channel into something great, and that if it starts and succeeds, it would happen here. I don't need to move. I need to channel this differently, be more rational, and use that wit, insight, and motivation in a better way over time.

I'm coming up on 10 years here. I hope I'm right!

I've been incredibly exhausted since the heat of summer always saps my energy. I've been trying to slow down at work, which, oddly enough, is actually working for a change. I take my time. The queue's slowing down; it's getting to the final August lag where the summers leave but the new hires haven't started yet, despite the crazy amount of deals in the works.

So since there's nothing interesting going on in my work life, I've been concentrating more on my vacation to Hawaii.  Since my insurance changed 5 years ago, basically I'm poor, as in spending more than a raise could possibly keep up with rent hikes and insane deductibles. The last major vacation I took that didn't involve staying at a friend's house was in October of 2013 when my parents and I went to Disney World.  They paid the lion's share of the cost, but we all had an incredible time, revisiting my childhood and them reminiscing when my sister and I were young. This was particularly notable since we haven't been there since about 1993 when they were building Universal Studios, and MGM Studios (now Hollywood Studios, but the Tower of Terror was just being built, that's how long ago it was) had just opened.

It's been almost 2 years since that trip, and I'm still relatively poor, even more so from a wage raise/cost of living perspective, so when I was offered the chance to go to Hawaii under similar circumstances, I jumped at it. This past weekend I was down the shore with them and we ironed out the basic details of plane/cruise room and time/major excursions. I'm actually really excited, and I think I've gotten over the semi-guilt felt when I take advantage of what modest money they do have. When I run the numbers, with inflation and ex-union salaries, they have owned more home equity and made more money than I will ever have a chance at. With pensions and Social Security, they will have a better retirement than I'll ever have.

So I choose to accept that, and take the opportunity. It's an 11 day cruise touching all 4 major islands (Oahu (duh), Maui, Hawaii, and Kauai) and while we were debating on the 7 day vs. 11 day (since I'm running low on days off), I basically said screw it. I probably will not get there again, so it's worth it to take a couple more days to get more of an experience. We're not going all-in on excursions, basically doing one per island, and only one helicopter on Kauai, but these side-trips were what we were resolving in terms of where we wanted to spend our time and money.

There are many times, especially working where I do, when I wonder what must run through (or not run through) the heads of the people I work for who make enough that money is no object.  They could take all the excursions, or design a custom tour, and go the VIP route all the way. Yet without my work to prepare them with correct data to bring to clients, they might not be able to do those giant deals that net them millions, or at least not as successfully. Then I have to remind myself that I'm lucky I have what I do in terms of job security precisely because the higher-ups need the information supplied through my search skills.

Times may have changed in the work world for me, but most importantly, time is ticking for my parents and I. Ultimately, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to experience Hawaii with them, even knowing that they may be helping me financially for this trip, but we're all doing this before we're too old, sick, or injured to really enjoy ourselves. It's a bucket list item I can cross out, with help :).

I've always been a devotee of Pixar movies, even if the first one I saw in an actual theater was A Bug's Life (which I still loved and think is completely underrated), missing the Toy Story phenomenon. I know that everyone has their own touchstones and relationships with various movies, but Pixar has produced more quality films than any studio or franchise I can think of, and even the shorts preceding their movies are worthy of the classic Disney/Looney Tunes ground-breaking cartoons.

Of course, the preceding paragraph is leading up to discussing their newest feature, Inside Out. It's intensely personal in many ways and touches on the memories that we live for, the ones we forget, the ones we wish we lived for, and those we wish we had forgotten. I know they, and Pete Docter in particular, are amazing at evoking emotion (see: first 10 minutes of Up! which I dare you not to tear up at), but this is an elongated version of a concept most of us don't deal with except in a therapist's office.

And it's a major motion picture, although of course the younger set won't really appreciate the emotional implications in terms of maturing and accepting sorrow and pain along with joy, learning to frame and reframe your life in a what, when, where, how, and why life when experience can't simply exist. It has to be incorporated, integrated, slept on, put to long term memory, rejected, or purposely forgotten. It really is a stylization of the workings of the human brain to keep a compromise of life as it is and life as you wish it to be. An interpretation of different perspectives from each facet of your experience; a thought that goes by in a flash, crossing so many emotions before it's stored permanently.

The most common criticism has been that it only has one positive emotion, Joy. The others, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sorrow accompany her. Maybe from my jaded view this is right, but as you age, I do believe that there are more negative emotions than positive. The challenge is to try to rise above it and embrace the positives when you can, knowing that there are more factors dragging you back.

Still, depicting one bright light that can lead you out of the darkness is a major achievement. There's the acknowledgement that there are times in your life when even that spark isn't there and you just have to go on regardless, until that active desire comes back into your life. You have to trust that it will occur if you hang on and then can somewhat repair the damage done from the negative emotions and move forward from that new spot.

To see that expressed in a movie, let alone a children's movie, is amazing to me, although given Pixar's record they go to places that other studios would never touch. And they should keep exploring new boundaries; they send messages to the world that are forbidden in mass media, but in the most insightful way possible.  In summation, I bow again to the Pixar gurus who manage to translate the human condition to the screen for adults and children alike, although as they grow, the kids will really get it. That's what growing up is all about after all, grasping the reality we live with and learning to deal with it. We just hope at the end we're all forgiven and simpatico with the human condition.

Things are fine, I saw Rush which was AWESOME, but the summer interns have arrived and we've been crazy busy at work. I'm hoping it'll slow down a bit and I can finish a post finally.