I feel like I'm slowly getting my life back together again, although there's a strong emphasis on the slowly in that phrase. I've managed not to stress too much at work and drive myself into a tizzy over things there that I have no control over. I'm trying to improve relations with my family. I'm back to smoking but continuing to my doctor appointments. I'm fixing the clerical mistake that sent me to collection again (with one exception over ten years ago it's always been medical bills that I didn't really owe where I received THAT NOTICE in the mail). It's two steps forward, one step back, but I don't expect much else after how often I've been in this kind of situation.

Of course, from experience I'll take anything at all that resembles progress. Some of what is so frustrating is that those who care about me want to see miraculous change or think they can fix me despite myself. Somehow it comes down to "here are these stories of people who changed their whole lives and are now successful and happy with no problems!" Great, but statistically those are the outliers. It's the ugly little secret no one wants to talk about where everything runs along a spectrum. There are degrees to all things; success, partial success to varying degrees (the large part of the bell curve), and kinds of failure, in this case usually leading to an early, although not necessarily quick, death.

I'd like a nice tidy answer, but I know better than to expect one or think that I'll ever have it that easy. I'm lucky, and yes, actually a bit happy to have the job and apartment I've preserved, what progress I have made, and even though relationships aren't perfect that there are those who love me and do want me in their lives. I try to remind myself of these things often, and maybe someday I'll accept and internalize the positives that will lead me further on the bell curve to the "successful" end. Stranger things have happened.

I made it through my first week back at work, and more than anything realized how lucky I truly am to have this job and these coworkers. Not that all is peachy keen, but I'm trying to let the frustrations and exhaustion of the situation balance against the positives that I all too often have overlooked for the past few years, and take time to step back and evaluate the situation as a whole.

On the most enjoyable side, not many people work with others who have the same warped sense of humor, or can have this conversation at normal volume with their colleagues and not get fired. We're being moved to a different floor from one that has a hideous, neon green carpet ACROSS THE ENTIRE FLOOR, so it looks vaguely like we're at a warped, stained, and faded fake-grass desk picnic every day. As we pack, we're jokingly bemoaning the loss of the vibrant(?) color.

Me: Why don't you pry up a square to take with us and bring the joy?
CW: I could leave a mark to remember us by *feigns spitting on the floor*
Me: *laughs* I think many others have beaten you to that (when I say stained, this floor is riddled with marks. I don't want to know how they got there)
CW: How about I pull down my pants and roll around? It will be unmistakeable...
Me: Dude, stop right there. Ew!
CW: Over the line?
Me: Just a tad

At most other places that exchange wouldn't be bantered about, let alone replied to by anyone, but here we've worked together so well and so long that it seems natural. I love that. I usually have had good, or at least decent coworkers, but a whole department of 10+ people all getting along naturally is something I've never seen or experienced before. It's worth it.

We're also busy, not quite into the crazy territory, but I'm taking my time there to ease back into the queue and remind myself that it is not all my responsibility. Our services are in high demand, and my skill set is as well. Maybe it's a lot, but that's when I remind myself that they survived without me, and ultimately, there are months and years where our whole department's skills will be needed. Better to do five requests per day for now than ten and burnout again.

There aren't many places in today's world that can claim there wouldn't be a major backlash but I think here I have a place to do exactly that. There's still a lot to work on personally for me, but vocationally I'm recognizing what I have here and now, and am grateful for it.