We finally have a new temp at work after losing 1/3 of our staff, and she also lives on the Upper East Side. Today we caught the Q home together and it was interesting listening to her. She's older but hasn't worked in a bank before and it reminds me of what it was like to start this job.

I've been there 12 and 1/2 years so it's easy to forget that I came in knowing nothing. I learned everything from the ground up and became an expert in a few things that pertained most directly to my specialty knowledge. To her I'm just the person everyone asks about what's the best way to do X.

It's the ever-present divide between me knowing that I've scaled back and am actively working at a normal pace so as not to drive myself crazy, and that I'm still seen by someone with an unbiased view as someone that has a lot to offer in terms of expertise. It's good to know there's another perspective, though.

I find it ironic that I have a small cooking talent. By assisting my aunt and mom's cooking in substantial but not over-intrusive levels over the past three years, I've finally proved myself to them, and to myself. I can be a casual sous chef, and if they get stressed about it I can joke and calm them down. My aunt and mom both were resistant people so it's only using my most subtle insinuations to let them know I am not invading territories, but supporting their efforts.

Our family is a very stubborn mix relevant to how they handle cooking, where my mom is the "It will not be wrong because this is how I learned it/has a recipe/or label instructions." My aunt would sort of follow something but then just throw extra liquid into the recipe which might mean steaming vs. sauteing or roasting; however she doesn't want to hear it might be better to drain off some liquid or just not add it initially.

Look, I admit that I suck at cooking, partly because I was really never taught by the two main women in my life because of above personalities, but at least I've gotten them to trust me as a defacto sous chef since I have kept up with what are the more recent food-scientific-based conclusions ala Alton Brown (don't put the stuffing in the turkey without some serious considerations!). All I have to do now is cover what's left (proper protein handling & cookery, how to steam vegetables, how to bake non-sweet things) and I might have a shot at cooking for myself.

*sigh* I spoke too soon. Good news first:

1. My dad's ok so far although the results on the cancer examination of the polyp will take about a week to come back.
2. My cousin died on Monday, but never regained consciousness so he went peacefully.
3. My aunt continues to keep improving.

Bad news:

1. My uncle had another minor stroke, but at this point I think he's had over 25 TIAs, mini strokes, and one major stroke years ago. He also doesn't know yet that his son is dead but that's going to be a conversation at a time when he's not recovering from a stroke.
2. My aunt's crazy doctor is questioning her meds and she doesn't want to be on them anyway, so we'll have to see how that plays out.
3. My mom sprained her ankle while she was down in Baltimore for my dad's surgery.

So for now my uncle's back in the nursing home, my aunt is sort of open to hearing the meds are necessary since she had such a scare, and my dad's pretty much back to normal according to him.

With my cousin, he left instructions to be cremated so there will be no regular funeral and burial. A wake is pointless since it would be our small family and I doubt anyone else, so at some point in the future when it works for his brother who lives in Florida to fly up we'll have some sort of small memorial service. Basically that will be it.

It was a sad end to a sad life, and I can now say definitively that he managed to live his life without ever holding down a job, which is weirdly accomplished for someone in their late 50s. He also never contributed to his parents despite living at home all of his life until he was forced to act because my aunt became so sick. He also stole my uncle's pension, and tried to kill my uncle with neglect until we managed to get my uncle to agree to leave.

Yet while he was pretty much an asshole in life, I still wish him peace in death. It's too late to change anything, so it's just moving forward from here.

My cousin, who deserves it for what he's done to my uncle and the family, is currently in a coma this week. From what I've been told his platelets are about zero, his kidneys are shut down, as is his liver. Between the diabetes and cirrhosis complications I'm not surprised that the doctors have given him no chance of survival, but as much as I hate him, I still grieve for him and hope he goes as quickly as practical. I wouldn't wish prolonged suffering on anyone that I know, no matter what they've done.

In other news my mom, sister, and I went to the Macy's Flower Show today since we've been delayed because of all of the health issues happening in the family. The show was even better than I expected considering the theme sounded a bit strange (space-related), but it was good just to spend time together, even though my dad couldn't go since he didn't want to be exposed to any germs in the subway or in Macy's. He's scheduled for colon polyp removal at Johns Hopkins this coming Tuesday, and while it's not cancerous it's at risk so better to take it out now.

I know that my family's aging out again, but after all of my great-aunts, uncles, and both of my grandmothers dying over the past fifteen years the fact that I'm running into another wave of health problems is disturbing. The last generation was lucky to live within a few towns of each other so they would help as someone got sick. At this point my sister and I would face a choice of relocating and likely leaving our jobs, since we can't commute into NYC and take care of someone who needs daytime help.

I know I'm looking too much forward but lately it's been ridiculous. My health isn't very good and my sister's thrown away the job that might have given her some leeway, so we just have to hope this is the end of the spell of bad health plaguing my family. I can hope at least.