Yesterday I finally got my second jab of Pfizer. Other than tiredness and a sore arm I feel okay, and these minor side effects are worth it to be able to go out without fear. Maybe I'll even go to the mall in two weeks! For a Jersey girl that's a big thing.

That's certain now, I am a Jersey girl once again, and still in mourning about that fact. No car or driver license change yet, but Costco's hiring and when the shot kicks in I guess I'll try there for a job. At least they'll have benefits.

I want to be happier about this circumstance. I'm not there yet.

Goldman Sachs is known as the most intense investment bank to work for, but my former bank comes damn close, and arguably can be worse since they're always working to unseat GS from the league tables. So when I read the article about new analysts raising alarms about the workload I was actually glad someone was finally speaking out, even if it wasn't well received by older, cynical business op-eds. I watched many analysts run day after day on almost no sleep and witnessed a few spectacular meltdowns brought on by stress that, in all honesty, was a natural human reaction to being put in a pointless pressure cooker environment as part of a warped endurance test.

Why is this making headlines now? Because the nature of the business is relentless, and especially during downturns in the economy if the Great Recession was representative. What deals are occurring are chased after ten times as hard by every bank and failure is not an option to be contemplated. While small businesses are closing by the thousands, individuals are being forced from their homes and depleting their retirement savings, the banks delight in posting more profitable quarters than their peers and it is all done on the backs of the analysts and associates. Fewer are hired "because of the economy" and the ones who do come to work at the banks are expected to do twice the work while living with the threat of being let go into a recession over their heads.

These 20-some year olds who don't have a lot of life experience to put all of this in perspective are ground down systematically by alternately dismissive and screaming managers and ruthless bank profit margins. Complaining beyond the underlying competition of who stayed up the latest is seen as being weak. Got sick? You can't be trusted to lead a team, ever. And wanting to spend time with a significant other or god forbid a family is a fast track out the door. 

Do they make a salary that justifies this suspension of life outside of work? I never got a clear answer on that. Most put in a couple of years and then go back to school or elsewhere in the corporate world that's more reasonable. A few really do manage to have it all, start a family, and through fast promotions manage to be in the enviable position of directing the work where hours more closely resemble a 9-5 job.

The ones who haunt me are those that made the sacrifice and regret it. They've watched their 20s and early 30s go by in a blur of work and Lucite tombstones for each deal they closed, and have nothing but money to show for it. It's not the kind of money that would allow for early retirement either; they're stuck in the unenviable middle with high blood pressure and an empty apartment, running on a treadmill they perhaps never wanted to be on.

If these GS analysts feel this strongly about their jobs being oppressive, I hope for their sake that they take the money and run at the earliest opportunity. There is so much more to a healthy life than banking mentality would have them believe, and the inevitable trade-offs will haunt them too. I wish them a larger perspective and clear-minded analysis of what will be best for them in the long run.

And again I'm reminded of how toxic investment banking is, and how glad I am that for now, I am done with it.

As all the news shows are marking the one year anniversary of the pandemic, my family marked a different one. On Mar. 4th my uncle passed away; at the time they said unknown sepsis but looking back there is a possibility it was Covid. Not that the cause of death matters any more, but in a lot of ways it was a harbinger of what was to come for the families of the 500,000+ that have died since then.

One of the things I had looked forward to adding to my life when I moved here was seeing my uncle more often since he was in assisted living about 20 minutes north of my parents. During December I had sewed him our family's Christmas gift - a needlepoint cardinal (my late aunt's favorite bird) with "Peace" above it. I still hope to this day that he found some solace in the sentiment prior to his passing, as that and visiting him was all I could do to make his last years less lonely. 

I miss his knowledge and love of history. His stories from when he was in the Coast Guard at the tail end of WWII and after his discharge how he met my aunt. The way West Orange and Newark used to be and the move to Livingston, along with his pride in owning that house. I miss the way he too had been through bad times in the family and his knowing commiseration with my troubles. He knew what it was like to work in the corporate world and in NYC, and heard through his boys as well as me how much it had changed. I miss that he loved having the whole family around, watching from his recliner. I miss everything that made him who he was, good and bad.

We had the funeral on Mar. 12th once his son in Florida made it to NJ, just before the Sunday I made the mad dash into NYC with my dad to collect 10 months worth of clothes as the lockdown went into effect. Any later and we wouldn't have had a funeral, especially in those early days.

A little over a year since he died. How time flies, but I'm glad he didn't have to be isolated in the assisted living for that time with no visitors, and possible deaths of those he knew from Covid. Deep down I know it was for the best, and he was ready to go be with my aunt. Rest in peace indeed. And know that we miss you.

Almost a year after the lock-down went into effect for the United States, I have my first vaccine shot. I'm thrilled and have nothing more than a slightly sore arm to show for it, but knowing that my immune system is gearing up to create antibodies to Covid makes me glad that things can finally feel like they're in motion again in my life.

I've never been one to mind down time, in fact I always needed more sleep and down time than others my age, so this has been a welcome respite in one way. The circumstances could certainly have been better in terms of fearing even going to the supermarket, and normally I would have tried to at least go somewhere fun during my employment hiatus, but overall I am grateful for this break. Living with parental dynamics? Well, maybe that could have been better, but it's also not a terrible situation.

It's time to schedule my tax appointment or see if I can do my own taxes. I finally see my new endocrinologist at the end of this month, so that along with my second shot on Mar 30th should cover most of my immediate health needs. Progress will be made, not only because you don't mess with the IRS, but because I needed the tangible hope from a vaccine. Knowing it exists is one thing. Knowing that in two weeks I now have a 75-95% reduced risk gives me the confidence to remember what working life used to be like and start heading in that direction.

Student debt has been a hot topic lately, particularly during the election debates and the recent town hall with now-President Biden. I know it's a thorny issue for many, but I've always been a proponent of leveling the playing field in our oh-so-unequal society.

I will preface this with the fact that I had a little over $10,000 owed thanks to generous parents in undergrad and scholarships in grad school, which I paid off in nine years (2013 was the closing date for my student loans). But there are a lot of dysfunctional societal reasons why so many owe so much; here are what I see as the biggest problems.

First of all, there is no financial literacy taught to people, nor advocacy for borrowers. Ever. I still freeze in panic when I face the task of setting a realistic budget, not because I can't afford the basics, but because it has so many unknown variables. Who knows if I'll be laid off, how much I can save for retirement, or even if I ever CAN retire, etc, etc? For someone already unable to afford the basics and now responsible for loans on top of that, approaching these questions must be absolutely paralyzing. 

Complicating this, even if you're doing the best you can with the money you have, sometimes the only answer is a better paying job which aren't prevalent in today's world, and banks are never on the consumer's side when they can collect fees and interest from the average person's hardships. More needs to be done to give relief and reasonable accommodations for low wages.

Secondly, the economy relies more than ever on consumer spending. I'm lumping mortgages in with this category since housing is similarly vital to a healthy economy.  If graduates are stuck paying $500 a month or more to their lenders, who benefits besides the banks? No one, and worse, the borrower's spending power in general is massively compromised which means less consumption and therefore less production across the board. The only alternative is accruing more debt to consume and that is not sustainable in the long term either. In addition, permanent renting through inability to afford down payments on an owned property turns into an underclass with little leverage and less buying power, no matter how educated they are.

Thirdly, colleges and universities have been allowed to raise tuition in the past three decades far more than the degree is worth, yet at the same time any entry level job requires at least a bachelors or masters regardless of what the major was (which tells you how unnecessary the degree really is to the job). Automation has removed so many jobs that requiring a degree is simply a formality allowing employers to pre-screen for the few jobs left. The spiral of cost vs. possible reward has made loans the only avenue for the majority of the population to even hope for a second glance at their resume.

When you have financially naive people desperate for a better life and lenders and colleges marketing education as the solution, along with America's bootstraps philosophy which pulled most government funding from state universities to offset tuition, it's an incredibly stacked playing field for most students.

In short (too late!), we have created this situation. I don't think all debt should be erased, but I'm ok with $10,000 or even $50,000 removed from students' balances. I don't expect my money back because I paid it off the traditional way; use that to subsidize others. If it can help the country reach a better equilibrium and allow people to live with less monetary anxiety, I'm all for it. This is helping others in the best kind of way and I would do it in a heartbeat.