The original plan for July 4th weekend was to go into NYC to see Michael Franti at Summerstage, visit a friend, maybe stay for fireworks, and then return on July 5th in time for my night shift. But Friday after my shift I logged on to my email to see that the concert has been postponed to an unknown future date, which I probably won't be able to make unless it's on a weekend since it's so far for me to reach the city now.

I haven't been back to NYC since last summer when I went to the Van Gogh exhibit, mostly because I'm afraid it would send me into an emotional tailspin. I miss New York, I miss the little things that made just walking around the city exciting and interesting. I miss the subway and getting exercise just traveling somewhere, every day interactions with humans outside of my family, and the hominess of the Upper East Side. I miss commuting through Grand Central Station, quiet walks to Carl Schurz Park, freezing in the winter and sweating in the summer.

I miss feeling like I belonged there. And part of me is terrified to go back and just burst into tears at what I squandered and left behind forever. Most of my dreams still take place there and my first instinct when people ask me where I'm from is still to say New York. Mentally and emotionally I haven't let it go yet, even though I've made some progress, and I know the real test will be the day I can go there without worrying about rekindling that feeling of loss.

So because of reasons outside of my control I'll be postponing the visit I was trying to work myself towards. When the concert does reschedule I'll reassess feasibility with logistics, and then check where I am mentally. Hopefully I'll be in my own place, so feel more like I've accomplished something here in NJ, at least something that can hold a candle to what I accomplished there. I thought after two years I would be over NYC, but I guess I'm not there yet.

Father's Day went well, although we kept it low key and went out to a lovely brunch at the Molly Pitcher Inn on Saturday to avoid the crowds. They had 300 reservations lined up for the Sunday, so good choice on our part! To my surprise I had June Nineteenth (observed today) off, so it was amazing to get a surprise long weekend too! 

I went to the mall to get some shorts since I literally have not bought any in probably eight years, and don't fit into those any more, so it's a relief to know that I'll have comfy work from home clothes in the summer too. As much as I'd like to have loftier goals, I'm just rolling with the small victories for now.

I called both apartment complexes and there's nothing available for next month, so I'll have to keep trying every few weeks until they know one's coming open. It also means I probably won't be able to negotiate the rent, so I'm committing to a good chunk of my income but it will be worth it to have my own space again. 

I had my 90 day check-in with HR today and got to tell them how happy I am, not just with the job, but with the company. They actually care about doing things the right way for a change, and have actual concern for employees, things that were actively discouraged at LIB. It's been a quarter of a year and I can see myself settling into a routine that won't tear me apart. I can't express how much relief that brings me.

Despite my natural trend towards inertia, I'm finally sort of getting things organized. I'm investing in i-Bonds again now that I have a paycheck coming in, and will inquire about my 401K which I should be able to start contributing to soon since this week is my 90 day mark (yay!). My goal this week is to call the two apartment complexes that are top on my list of places I want to live and set up appointments to view the apartments, state my preferences, and maybe fill out an application. It's SO NICE not to have to do the NYC mad dash of seeing an apartment, deciding in 10 minutes if I want it, and proceeding directly to the broker's office to sign, as well as giving them 10% of the annual rent for the privilege of using their services *rolling eyes*. No broker fees here, and since I'm moving out of my parents I have flexibility in timing that I've never had before.

The last piece I'm trying to fit into place is a car. While my 2005 Toyota Camry is still driveable, it is my parents' second car now and if I repossess it I only want to do so if they're buying a new car anyway. Since my mom can never make a decision, and there's been so much occupying them with my dad's surgery and recovery, I'd rather just get a used car and let them keep the Toyota until it officially stops working. Even though I know used car prices are just relatively crazy expensive, I think I can get a decent car for 15-20,000. It'll take some more research, but the plan is coming together.

On another note, my sister canceled the They Might Be Giants concert we had scheduled for Wednesday night since she refuses to go into the city, although I'd already taken time off which I can't give back, so I have to waste a day and a half of PTO because of imaginary monkeypox, but whatever. At least I've seen TMBG five or six times already, and while I would LOVE to have them be my first concert post-Covid, it's not meant to be. This concert was special too, it was the 30th anniversary of their album Flood, which was what introduced them to the semi-mainstream. The catch? The concert was originally scheduled for April of 2020, so obviously it's been pushed back multiple times already. Oh well.

It's all a lot to keep in my mind until I'm settled in my new place, but I feel like Dory from Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...