Another holiday down and it went about as well as all of the recent ones, which is to say my aunt got sick (probably with RSV) and we had to postpone until Saturday. But what mattered most was that she is recovering, we did manage to get together, and none of us contracted it. Also: the food was delicious. My mom made the crab dip appetizer, I did the homemade cranberry sauce and the pumpkin pie with gingersnap crust, and my aunt took care of the turkey and other sides. Hands down Thanksgiving has the BEST traditional foods.

I also had to take a lot of my vacation days so I was off Tuesday of last week to today at 5pm, and it was so nice just to catch up on life and start preparations for moving. I've got some boxes from Home Depot, and managed to write out all of my Christmas cards along with getting a blood test for my new primary care doctor and a million other little things that I'd fallen behind on. Now for the push until I get an affirmative for the apartment and hopefully find a Toyota Camry hybrid that's for sale at a decent price and I'll be a fully functional adult human once more!

I'm looking forward to a better 2023!

It has now officially been 2 months since I saw the first apartment and after ANOTHER call to the real estate agent supposedly they will have one available in December. I haven't really pushed it since for once I'm not running out the end of a lease so I'm willing to let others with more pressing timelines get those apartments, and they're still all first floor places, but it's been long enough. I didn't want to move in December; I've done it once before and it remains the only year I missed writing out Christmas cards because of the moving chaos, but I will if I have to.

I'm still trying to be hopeful, starting to pack what I have moved in to my parent's house, and looking up movers in the area, so when the date comes I'll basically just have to point at boxes and say "Take that pile to the new apartment." I've worked out a temporary table to work on, and want to start seriously looking at cars. And the job is going well enough that I don't think I'll be laid off any time soon even if another recession starts, so win-win if only the stars align and I finally get to sign a damn lease!

Best compliment I've ever gotten in a performance review: Unless we had designed someone from scratch, we couldn't have found a better person for this job. I'm really happy that it went well, although I'm keeping raise expectations low, and I'm relieved that they feel about me the same way I feel about SIB and the job. 

I'm so incredibly grateful that I found this position! I simply can't say that enough.

Everyone is awaiting the midterm results on Tuesday as a clue for where the country is headed. I'm nervously awaiting my official yearly review on Tuesday to get a clue where they see my position going. I know that I've exceeded expectations for what they hired me for, but my natural tendencies keep making my anxiety spike whenever I think of a performance review from a boss I don't know well.

I was spoiled in that way at my last job. With the exception of the first 3 years I was there I knew my bosses pretty well, worked in the same office with them every day, and was comfortable just having a conversation. I also knew that the compensation wouldn't even be cost of living and there was nowhere to be promoted unless I wanted management, so it really was just a formality.

Here I don't know if I'll get that pressure to transition into a different role, or be asked to take on extra duties, or have to deal more with politics. I have had jobs that wanted me to do all of these things, but in general, at work I'm already giving 110%. I don't have the physical energy or mental capacity to take on additional duties, and negotiations with vendors go about as well as my efforts to negotiate salary, which is to say not well at all. 

In short, I suck at politics and management responsibilities, and all I really want are the resources to do my existing job well. I already learn something new every day, and have expanded my skills (IMO) rather impressively in the eight short months I've been there, especially with Bloomberg, and have managed even the busiest days without putting in more than 3 hours of overtime. I (again IMO) have integrated with the department; they all know me, I'm always on camera on calls, and they know I'm always willing to share my knowledge or walk them through things they're not familiar with. I also lean on and learn from them in the same way.

I don't see my lack of ambition as a fault, I view it as an acceptance of what I'm comfortable and not comfortable with, and placing priorities on preserving my own sanity and reducing my anxiety. I wish the rest of the world saw it that way, but in capitalism it's seen as weakness. If so? Ok, I'm weak. But I refuse to put myself in the position again where stress is ruining my health just to follow the corporate philosophy of ambition above all else. I hope my boss understands that, and that this conversation goes well. Until then: deep breaths.