I've been watching the Wheel of Time on Prime, and wow, the last episode is just gut-wrenching, even knowing what happens. I read most of the whole series of 14 books from 1990-2013, excepting some in the middle where it was all braid-tugging and not much else, but the first 3 books were well written and decently paced. The Great Hunt was one of my favorites, but it does depict a main character basically being enslaved in a very brutal way.

And the series on Prime shows it. In detail. And it's painful to watch while knowing that they are serving the source material well. It doesn't cover everything, but there was a quote in the book that always stuck with me: "I don't think there's any going back for me ever." It's been the sentiment for so many things in my life. I was in middle school when I first read it and was so sad to realize that is life. High school only cemented that sentiment, and I always find myself coming back to that quote. 

That particular character manages to get free and becomes a hero in the story, but is forever changed by her experiences as a captive. There wasn't any going back to who she was but she forged a new identity and overcame it. Others in the series who remained captive in the same way never did - the punishment and pain broke them and they had no one to rescue them. Sometimes it comes down to those you have around you, whatever support system you can come up with, whether you stay broken or can get up again. And every time you just hope you're the former character rather than the latter.

I have an appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow and for the first time I'm actually bringing a list of things I want to ask about. My normal reaction is to make small talk, and since I'm concentrating so much on being social, I forget to ask about the reasons I'm there in the first place (unless I have the flu or something really bad). This makes primary care visits rather unproductive and I think I'm done with that since it takes months to get an appointment nowadays.

So I'll bring the list and hope that he has some good answers or advice, and I'll add another thing proving that I'm getting old and forgetful to my aging list lol.

Today has been hard. Not as hard as someone who really lived through September 11, 2001 in the city as it happened, but I've known people who were. I'm re-posting an old post, but it's one I remember most. "The smell" of ground zero I knew. And I'll never forget.

I wasn't in the city on THAT September 11th, having just graduated from undergrad, recovering from hernia surgery, and living in New Jersey waiting to start a new job the next week.

I never experienced it intimately, other than visiting the following November, seeing the concrete dust still in the streets.  And the odor.  I have been in necropsy labs, and worked in a meat science department so I knew what "that smell" was.  I didn't share that knowledge with my friends who were there; most people don't want to know the reality and some actively block it out or deny it.

I wasn't there that day, so I can't imagine what it must have been like for those who were, but it's a pale shadow of the reality. It is imagining a terror that those who wasn't there can't really know, the panic those felt fleeing from the building, let alone those who never made it outside.  For many who survived it was so traumatic that the psychological and emotional scars are as fresh today in memories and flashbacks from that one terrible day. I hope that all those who are dealing or not dealing with their personal grief realize that many of us are thinking of you across the  nation.  You are not alone.

 I've managed some time for myself over Labor Day and now have ordered bedroom furniture (although it won't arrive until October). I will have a full apartment and am scared because I know how precarious it can be. This country is not made for anyone but the wealthy, and one job loss, health emergency, etc can put you back years in terms of adulting. 

I think that's what has driven Gen X - fear. We know that the system is not set up to help us, and that while times change, we're stuck in the middle. We came home to empty houses as women went back to the workforce, had the highest divorce rates of our parents, and when we hit the workforce we either clung to what we could get or job-hopped like mad to try to advance.

Now with the lack of pensions we invest, close our eyes, and hope that it all turns out well. It's odd being part of the middle class as it is now and knowing that the majority of people I know would struggle to make a $500 payment if they were ill, and that the trend is not getting better.

We should be better, have universal healthcare, some sort of guaranteed retirement. I just wish we all felt like we can do this - have an apartment, a life, where we're not afraid all of the time.