I ordered some new puzzles and am currently doing one of Seurat's A Sunday on Le Grande Jatte. I first saw it in Ferris Bueller's Day Off in the late 80s, and loved the pointillism (even though I didn't have a word for it then), where there is a whole picture but if you look closely it's a tiny mishmash of colors artfully arranged. I've noticed the little things my entire life and it appealed to that aspect of me.

I saw the study for it next, that the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC owns, and it was fascinating how it was more lines than dots as he worked out the color schemes he would use. Then in 2002 I drove cross-country with a friend, where among many wonderful national parks and scenery, I saw the actual, finished painting at the Art Institute of Chicago.

I've been very lucky through the years to see many of the major museums in the US, although internationally I've only been to London's Royal Academy of Arts, Florence's Galleria dell'Accademia, and the Hong Kong Museum of Art. Some day I hope to get to the Prado and the Louvre, and I love that I can appreciate so many eras and cultures through the art they created. I may not be rich or particularly cultured, but everywhere I can be, you'll find me in a museum sooner or later.

Today was the first snow of the season, and even though we got less than an inch it was nice to see everything blanketed in white. Last year we had none, and the first thunderstorm rolled through in March(!), so it's the first time since being in this apartment I saw the complex in snow since 2004 when I lived here last time. It just makes things prettier, and quieter, as anyone who can stays in for the duration.

On the downside there's no covered parking here and I discovered that I do not have a snow brush for my car so I had to go out and use a reusable shopping bag to clean off what I could before it turns to ice tonight. Not sure I won that battle, but I did my short person's best.

It was back to work today and my constant haunt in the London office was back, of course, but I literally am just leaving things undone if 10 o'clock rolls around and I'm not going to get to everything. I am determined not to let it stress me out too much this year so I'm making small strides towards it.

Oh yeah, the other learning disability I forgot to mention since it's been alleviated by the advent of computers was finger agnosia. I always had a small, cramped writing style and purposely tortured my teachers as a form of revenge for spelling tests since I knew the words and spelling. I just knew that I could write as small as possible (and it's a stretch to write "normal size" Christmas cards), and my fingers would cramp or stop working.

Back when I was tested everything was still written, and even through college we had the blue book exams which required a full day of preparing, just not by writing since I had to rest my fingers so that I could do a full 2 hours of writing. One of the best things my parents did though, was let me play the viola through high school. I was good (second viola) although I knew that I would never be great enough to play in college or professional orchestras, but it allowed me to develop more extended writing sessions, along with bringing a unique sense of joy that I had competence even though it wasn't perfection.

Even though I had short fingers and fourth position was a nightmare for me especially if I had to move up the scale, it taught me to push beyond those boundaries over time.

It seems like that's been my life. I have a lot of handicaps, and some have been more obvious than others (lazy eye and lack of depth perception I've had many people comment on), but I joke about it, explain in depth to those who are downright rude about it, and keep pushing forward. After all, what is the alternative? Everyone has difficulties, and we all find our own coping mechanisms, it's just the sheer volume that I've dealt with has been challenging, particularly with the lack of transparency in my family even when they found out what was causing issues with me.

 The final piece, and most challenging, has been the attention distribution disorder. For that exact reason I am the top producer in my department. Because I can't focus on one thing I take on multiple requests until I shut down, reboot, and start again, but in the meantime I do the work of three people. The mental toll it takes on me is something I've never found an answer for, though, since the shut down process is painful and doesn't lend itself to working 11 hours straight. I need to figure out a better answer on that front, and I will, because it's what I do. Find work-arounds, shortcuts, accommodations, since the world will not accommodate me.

When I was in eighth grade my parents had me tested for learning disabilities since he had saved her son's life with a blood transfusion and this was something she was doing gratis. 

I never saw the report when I was growing up, then when I was 35 they gave me a copy. To which my reaction was wtf, you withheld it for this long beyond my academic days when it may have come in handy? And also wtf, why would you not share it at least when I became an adult?

Since then I've occasionally pored over the report to figure out so many of my mal-adapations. My vision I know. I was blind in one eye until I was 2 and still have strabismus (lazy eye) and will for my entire life, but when you're trying to read a blackboard it's tough to do so. Even with bifocals my vision will be causing problems my entire life since that's not something they can fix, even if I tried Lasik.

I was also diagnosed with an auditory processing issue (where I hear about 25-50%)  of what is said and I have to extrapolate the rest from context. 

I do not doubt this at all, and could put a copyright on "What?" since I have to say it so damn often, but again, would have been good to know back then, or in college, or in interviews...sigh. No wonder talking on the phone gives me anxiety, I can't read lips or see body language so it's difficult to know that I'm replying to the correct statement.

And then there was the third dimension. It wasn't ADHD (or ADD as it was known at that time), but the official diagnosis was attention distribution disorder. It's where I pay equal attention to everything and cannot properly prioritize it, which I would say 100% I have. And it exhausts the fuck out of me. I don't even know if there's medication for that, but if there was I would take it since I just need to deal with the important things, not the minutiae.

Apparently I also have a flat affect when I'm challenged on these things, or cross to aggressive. After all, if you don't admit it then it doesn't exist, right? But I always kind of knew. I just had it confirmed.

I've worked out coping mechanisms for the vision, hearing, and attention, but if I actually give myself time to think about it I realize how much of my energy it takes just to deal with all of it. The spoons analogy is real and happens on the regular, which people who don't have chronic conditions can't appreciate.

My whole life seems to be playing catch up since I wasn't told that these are my limitations, even though my parents knew by the time I was 12, and the dysfunctional coping mechanisms I used in between caused so many problems. I won't go off of them since I'm sure they thought they were doing the right thing. But I am angry, and probably always will be. Why wait to tell me? Better to know the truth rather than go through the pain of experiencing my failures again...and again...and again...

Since I had New Years Day off I dedicated it to mopping all of my floors and scrubbing everything so I'd start the new year with a clean apartment. Unfortunately I didn't take into account that my body is still not 100% from Covid, and while I wasn't sore (so I haven't lost muscle tone), I was incredibly tired all week. Today I finally slept for 12+ hours, which meant that I didn't get around to food shopping/errands until after the rain was coming down pretty hard, but hopefully as long as I don't overextend myself like that again next week will be better.

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my parents and we're going to Uncle Giuseppe's, an Italian specialty/grocery store that opened up relatively close to me in Shrewsbury, and I think I can handle that. I always feel like I'm running catch up though on so many fronts, so who knows, but it will make them happy to see me again. And after all, I work 5 days this week, then it's MLK Day and I don't have to mop since I've already done it so I will hopefully have some time to myself in the next couple of weeks to do something fun like go to the mall for the first time since I've been living here.

It's hard to believe I've been here a year now! Things have been so hectic and getting back into doing everything myself for the household has been an adjustment, but it's still worth it.