Halloween/horror movie season is starting soon :D! I'll be interested to see if they add new movies to the usual Halloween/Nightmare on Elm St/Friday the 13th rotation since quite a few new ones have come out over the past couple of years and I've seen the 80s ones a million times. Those are good to have on in the background when I'm working, but don't really hold my active interest any more.

My aunt is in a rehab to get stronger before she returns home since, as she's finding out, recovery at 85 is not a simple task. Not that she's reconciled with that fact, and apparently she offended the one remaining cousin near her age who's still alive and close by, so unfortunately when she returns home she'll really be on her own. 

My lease renewal arrived about a week ago, and even though the last thing I want would be to try and live with and take care of her (not because I don't love her, but because she defines intractably difficult patient), I offered to give up my apartment and move in with her. My parents said no and I know they're right; I have enough going on with my health and staying sober that the added stress would be a huge burden, but I had to at least offer.

And my sister, who has relied on my parents' and aunt's generosity in free housing for over a decade now, suddenly decided she's buying a co-op alcove studio in Evanston, IL. The location makes some sense because she went undergrad to Northwestern University so she knows/knew the area, and god knows it's cheaper than NJ (it's about $110,000 there, here it would be about $350,000-$400,000). The timing, however, is highly suspect.

Not that I'm shocked. I called this years ago, that when the time came to return the care given to her she would run as fast and far as she could, and so far she's following the expected pattern. In terms of people to rely on when things get tough, she is one who would be quite far down on my list and she's proving why yet again. I can't do much around working full time so it will fall to my parents, and whoever/however they can get some form of home care since my aunt's insurance doesn't cover a full time caregiver, and of course she won't sell her house and relocate to assisted living. At some point it will be forced on her due to declining health, or she may just pass away. I hope she doesn't use her gun(s), but that also is a possibility, and there's little we can do about that.

In other news, I suspect my hot flashes/chills/fatigue crashes are caused by peri-menopause/menopause, so I'll see what my gynecologist has to say about it on Friday.  I think there's a blood test they can do to figure out if my body has started the process, and if it has I may be a few years in already, but I'm not opposed to HRT as an option. So it's off to another doctor, then another liver specialist, a colonoscopy, mammogram, and MAYBE I'll be done for the year. *sigh* This is my horror movie, unending medical problems and doctor visits to manage them along with family complications. Oh well, hopefully no real-life jump scares or murders :).

Well, it's a good thing I got to relax in Newport because it's certainly been a long 4 days since getting back. Work has been crazy busy, and my aunt ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday with dehydration and walking pneumonia. We knew she was dehydrated and wasn't doing great, but since she lives alone and we're one and a half hours away even without traffic on the Parkway we couldn't do more than ask her to drink more water and eat.

In some ways it's better she's in the hospital since they'll feed and hydrate her along with taking care of the pneumonia, but longer term we need to find something that works to get her to take better care of herself post-surgery. The major problem is that we can't do it without her accepting things have permanently changed for her way of life. She is 85, nothing will turn back the clock. It takes longer to recover, and serious commitment to change, and she's not there yet.

I get it. I fought for 10 years to accept that I had cirrhosis and a major relapse/hospitalizations until I'm finally (so far) doing better. I cheat on my diet when I eat out, but I cook as much as I can, do the low sodium thing, take my medications, stay sober, try to get decent sleep, and keep up with my doctors while working full time. Not going to lie - it's a lot and I still get angry sometimes that I'm 46 but have the energy level/health problems of someone 20 years older, but I have accepted the responsibility for that and now am just trying to make it better and settle into new routines.

She doesn't have 10 more years in all likelihood, however, and if she can't reconcile the new reality with what she is willing to change then it will only be a short while until she passes away. It is her choice though, and I respect that, share my experience of health problems starting when I was 20 with the botched appendicitis and what worked/didn't work for me, and hope she understands and adapts. 

I finally had a mini-vacation and went with my mom to Newport, RI for a long weekend, which was great fun! She hadn't been there in over 15 years and things are much more built up than before, but there's still a nice mix of local shops along with the major chain stores, and the mansions were very interesting. We did a mix of everything - lobster rolls, afternoon tea at Marble House, two mansion tours, dinner at the White Horse Tavern, and shopping, so much so that in one day I logged over 15,000 steps. For someone who normally clocks 2,500-3.500 it was quite a change but I certainly slept well!

I also realized that while I've been admitted to the hospital four times this year, the last time I stayed in a hotel was 2022. Let me reiterate that, it's been three years since I stayed in a hotel! That's probably the longest I've ever gone between vacations (even then it was one night in Atlantic City for a concert), and this wasn't even a full week, just four nights away. Now that I've been in my job coming up on three years I need to start planning time off again, and stay sober so that I can use my PTO for fun things, not hospital stays and endless doctor appointments.

 I'm still looking for a condo/townhouse/house that comes in under $500,000 for a 2 bed/2 bath. While I haven't given up, I am realizing just how far I would have to move before that's a real possibility. Anything on a train line to NYC is right out unless I want to get shot waiting for the train, and while near Philly is more affordable it's not really close to family or NYC, so that limits those possibilities. Maybe down near where my parents are, which would be 20-30 minutes to a bus that would take an hour and a half to arrive in Port Authority, but that might be the most likely area.

For now though I'll just focus on keeping my job, saving what I can, and hope the coming recession drops prices enough that I can take advantage of it (not that I want that, but Trump's doing everything in his power to crash the economy so we shall see). I have a lot to be proud of in terms of getting stability and that's good enough for now. 

I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I checked into the hospital. Although I'm mostly better, the lag time to rebuild my strength just seems to get longer and longer. When I was there I averaged under 1,000 steps per day, mostly because I had to drag an IV stand around with me which is a huge pain in the ass. I tried to make it up with between 3,000-7,000 steps over the succeeding days and weekend at home, and while I got a lot done, I'm just fucking exhausted.

More than anything I need like a month off, but that's not going to happen so it's back to the grind, falling asleep occasionally at my desk when fatigue overwhelms me, and just trying to get back to where I was a year ago. I may never be 100% at that level again, but I'll keep trying on a modified scale.