I'm not a believer in any sky wizards, astrology, or other means of non-logically explaining the way the world is, despite having been raised Catholic through confirmation. When I sat down for my interview with the Monsignor (we all had to do a personal interview to get approved for confirmation), I asked him to explain how Catholicism's theories clash with evolutionist theories and what his views are on this topic, and others like this that challenge the core of the faith.

We had a good chat, and he approved me so that worked out well, but at the time it was genuine curiosity that led me to ask that question. Post-confirmation I tried high school Bible study, and went on one retreat, but I resented that any opinion other than the unofficially approved one led me to feel alienated. Nope, no God there. After that it was Christmas/Easter mass, then not going at all.

AA was partly difficult because it was Bible study group all over again, but with the Big Book and Bill worship alongside God. Or Higher Power. Or whatever. They meant God, come on, I'm not dumb nor naive about religion. As you can imagine my general disillusionment with the program and that same feeling that I wasn't giving the "right answers" led to me dipping on that program too, although I've tried it about 3-4 times seriously.

The question to all of this, perhaps, is why was I never fulfilled by religion despite giving it my best effort. Outside of the general cognitive dissonance which I do not enjoy or need more of in my life, there's was just no return on investment, and it was actually a net negative. Others described feeling happy, belonging, finally understood, accepted, etc when my experience just left me...empty. My job drained most of my mental energy, and running around to various meetings, church, etc just exhausted me further since I don't have much physical stamina.

For whatever reason, religion never filled a hole for me. I'm not sure if it was the constant connotation of guilt that reverberates through the Catholic church, or Protestant for AA, or the fact that I never found like-minded people who didn't take the religion as unquestionably right, but it just isolated me further from life since I shut down when uncomfortable,. I'm happy for those who find it to be a reassuring presence in their life. I just don't think I'll ever experience it first-hand.