I can't believe that the entire weekend has already elapsed, since I feel like I just got off work yesterday, but at least I know I'll have the Tuesday of this week off, a huge boon for my schedule. I almost forgot that Halloween is just about here since I've been so absorbed with the new job and learning the ropes, while trying to maintain contacts from my old job and reconciling the two pieces of my life. I would love to just have one more day to rest, but I've pushed myself much harder and farther, and know that I'll be fine.
I was sitting with Lawyer A yesterday, and mentioned how strange it is that I'm actually happy on a fairly regular basis now. It's such a novel feeling that things are going well overall, and that I'm much more secure in many ways despite starting a new job and having to look for a new apartment all at the same time. I don't feel that I'm constantly being taken advantage of, and that changes the entire game.
The only area I have to be careful with is (as always) my RNR. He was out of town for most of the week, and when I saw him again on Thursday he did what got me in trouble with him last time. He said that he missed me, acknowledging that he cares about me in some way and does want me around. Last time he said that, in June after I'd been away at a conference for a week, I believed him. I thought that maybe he was finally crossing the line to a normal person, one of the largest misinterpretations that occurred and that set me up for the ultimate disappointment which followed.
My first instinct is to believe him, since I desperately want him to care about me in a way that comes much closer to an actual relationship, where you voluntarily spend time with the other person because they are the first person in your thoughts. However, I'm lucky that now I've been through this once already, I know I have to pull back, put myself first, and remind myself constantly that he means it as much as he can (I think), but that it's fleeting. When push comes to shove, he would cut me out of his life without a second thought or consideration of how much it would hurt me. He misses me when it's convenient, and that's all it is. I just have to keep from getting swept up in what I wish instead of the reality, but I'm far more grounded now in multiple ways. I can do it, and care for my RNR, while setting the limits that I need to follow to preserve my emotions and continue dedicating myself to my job instead of the comfort he brings me.
I guess every once in a while we do learn something, as hard as it may be to reach that point :).
I was sitting with Lawyer A yesterday, and mentioned how strange it is that I'm actually happy on a fairly regular basis now. It's such a novel feeling that things are going well overall, and that I'm much more secure in many ways despite starting a new job and having to look for a new apartment all at the same time. I don't feel that I'm constantly being taken advantage of, and that changes the entire game.
The only area I have to be careful with is (as always) my RNR. He was out of town for most of the week, and when I saw him again on Thursday he did what got me in trouble with him last time. He said that he missed me, acknowledging that he cares about me in some way and does want me around. Last time he said that, in June after I'd been away at a conference for a week, I believed him. I thought that maybe he was finally crossing the line to a normal person, one of the largest misinterpretations that occurred and that set me up for the ultimate disappointment which followed.
My first instinct is to believe him, since I desperately want him to care about me in a way that comes much closer to an actual relationship, where you voluntarily spend time with the other person because they are the first person in your thoughts. However, I'm lucky that now I've been through this once already, I know I have to pull back, put myself first, and remind myself constantly that he means it as much as he can (I think), but that it's fleeting. When push comes to shove, he would cut me out of his life without a second thought or consideration of how much it would hurt me. He misses me when it's convenient, and that's all it is. I just have to keep from getting swept up in what I wish instead of the reality, but I'm far more grounded now in multiple ways. I can do it, and care for my RNR, while setting the limits that I need to follow to preserve my emotions and continue dedicating myself to my job instead of the comfort he brings me.
I guess every once in a while we do learn something, as hard as it may be to reach that point :).
posted by AnonymousX at 1:09 PM
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