I'm back from the brink again, about a month and a half out from that time. On September 25th I took the first positive step that allowed me to move forward instead of just holding on to where I was, desperately trying to not to fall backwards and accepting that holding myself in place was literally the best I could do at that moment. I went to an AA meeting for the first time.

I've known for a long time that I have an addictive personality, and that alcohol and cigarettes are going to be two of my major struggles throughout life, but I was afraid to give credence to that theory and possibly admit that I couldn't control myself. I was shaking as I rode the elevator to the fourth floor and walked in the door. I quietly took a seat in the circle, and introduced myself when spoken to.

However, once I started listening to the members sharing their stories, parts of it sounded very familiar: "I felt that I could explode at any time and take anyone around me with me." "I knew that I needed to change but couldn't manage to make it happen."

The pervading theme that I heard from almost everyone there that doesn't apply was the complete reliance on alcohol. "I couldn't talk to anyone without drinking." "I didn't eat; I'd order food and push it around on the plate, but it would interfere with my drinking if I ate it."

I left the meeting realizing that my problems lie in other areas, mostly in the mental arena. I use alcohol to help sometimes, even knowing that it will hurt me in the long run, but I've learned so much over the past year about being a responsible adult that I'm hoping this is the last time I'll have to pull myself back from the brink again. I know myself much better; I know those in the city much better, and I think I'm through the worst in many ways.

AA is always an option if I feel I need it again, and the members are wonderful, giving people who know what it's like to feel as I do. For now, though, I think I'm ok on my own.