It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I dared to post here. My life has changed so greatly, unexpectedly, and in a positive manner for such a change, that I'm still in a bit of shock (and praying that this period of job uncertainty will not upset that precarious balance I have for the first time in a very long time). I'm still working for LIB, and was made permanent through sheer tenaciousness over the summer. Since I moved from my last apartment which has since been torn down, in some ways I've remained in crisis recovery mode. After the rapid changes, the losses of what I was depending on at the time, and pain that is still present in some forms, I find myself loath to put myself to normal activity, avoiding stress like the plague, and trying to find a new balance that will be more permanent.

I've also decided something very important for my piece of mind very recently. I will not go back to my regular bar often, perhaps once a month if that. There are too many betrayals, too many painful memories, too much camaraderie that I know now is completely false from almost all the people I've met there. I'm still somewhat unsure of my determination to stick to the resolution, but I desperately need to believe that I do have the capacity to change that I needed. I've always put up a strong front, been the one who's brash and in your face, but there's insecurity that is receding, but not gone, and most likely never will be. It's a learning process and one that has consumed most of my life, but I know better than to think it will ever be over.

The lesson I've learned in the past five years which I depend on to keep myself in the life I'm in now: Even on your worst day, the worst week, month, or year, you get up and resume your life. The longer you're idle, the worse it will get, and you pick yourself up as soon as possible to keep going til the next crisis.