Things are...unusual. I feel like some moorings have been ripped loose, partly because of the uncertainty because of the merger. Even though I mostly know that I will probably not lose my job, the past panic, long job searches, and constant upheaval have put me on edge. I finally have a chance of some stability, some chance to buy an apartment and have the chance to own something of my own; a long-held dream that I'd almost given up on as recently as two years ago, can be lost with one stroke.

It won't be the first merger, not the way LIB works. But it's still a risk. And one where my compassion for others also hurts. Even if I was offered the chance to stay at another's expense, I would say no and let someone else stay, just like when I was being turned permanent, where there was a small, unstated window available if someone else's choice might have been different from my own at someone else's expense. It may be idealist. It may be stupid. But in a world that's crushed almost all of my idealism, and taught me how cruel, tedious, difficult and occasionally brilliant life can be, I can't let that go.

I don't think the choice will be that clear. That's not how corporations work, decisions that affect the well-being and future of others are made behind closed doors, in a small-minded, company-selfish way. If I'm called in, I'm done. No exchanges, no deals, just a half hour to pack up a box, if that, and then it's on my way.

I have to put it out of my mind, as much as possible. Work with things as best as possible, and concentrate on the present - my job, my apartment, and ignore the other pains. Work on the future with some kind of plan, ready to change when needed, but have a lifeline elsewhere than my job since that is no guarantee. Ever. I need to breathe, and hope.