Claire, I'm glad you've found me and given me reason to write again. I ended my last blog because I realized that too many people who I didn't want to ever read it could find it, and also because those who I were fine with reading it found it "too depressing." That was then.
Now? Now I'm not sure. I had a presence (although slight) on the internet at one point, and ended up regretting it. What do I say? What do I hold back? I've thought a lot about that since my last post and am still no closer to an absolute answer. I suppose it will be case by case.
For now I'm doing well, enjoying my job at LIB, and living a very different sort of life than I had in any of my previous lives (or at least that's how it feels looking back at the many changes in such a short amount of time). I've learned an incredible amount about human nature and fallibility, including mine, but also realized that it's possible to take the middle, while acknowledging both sides.
Last season, one of my teammates had been in jail for years (thank you Rockefeller laws) for being a drug dealer. He still has one bullet in his back, and the one the doctors found was removed. This one went too deep and was too small. And yet, he and I were great matches; he's out of the biz, and I still find out where he's playing on league nights and go say hi. This is New York, where everyone of many classes and moral standards mixes. It fits my philosophy, which I found few proponents of elsewhere.
On that note, I'm trying for a down payment on a studio in Manhattan by the end of 2009. I think I can bring almost $80,000 to the table at this point from saving since I was 14 and some help from my parents, so I may find a niche for myself where I'm no longer worried about fighting for rent, fighting for a job, fighting to find a place for myself where I feel comfortable and not exploited. Something stable, but where I want it and on my terms. I've made a lot of progress in many ways, accepted my faults in other ways, but I think for the first time since I was 16, I may have found some temporary peace. Nothing's perfect, but I will take what I can while I can.
Now? Now I'm not sure. I had a presence (although slight) on the internet at one point, and ended up regretting it. What do I say? What do I hold back? I've thought a lot about that since my last post and am still no closer to an absolute answer. I suppose it will be case by case.
For now I'm doing well, enjoying my job at LIB, and living a very different sort of life than I had in any of my previous lives (or at least that's how it feels looking back at the many changes in such a short amount of time). I've learned an incredible amount about human nature and fallibility, including mine, but also realized that it's possible to take the middle, while acknowledging both sides.
Last season, one of my teammates had been in jail for years (thank you Rockefeller laws) for being a drug dealer. He still has one bullet in his back, and the one the doctors found was removed. This one went too deep and was too small. And yet, he and I were great matches; he's out of the biz, and I still find out where he's playing on league nights and go say hi. This is New York, where everyone of many classes and moral standards mixes. It fits my philosophy, which I found few proponents of elsewhere.
On that note, I'm trying for a down payment on a studio in Manhattan by the end of 2009. I think I can bring almost $80,000 to the table at this point from saving since I was 14 and some help from my parents, so I may find a niche for myself where I'm no longer worried about fighting for rent, fighting for a job, fighting to find a place for myself where I feel comfortable and not exploited. Something stable, but where I want it and on my terms. I've made a lot of progress in many ways, accepted my faults in other ways, but I think for the first time since I was 16, I may have found some temporary peace. Nothing's perfect, but I will take what I can while I can.
posted by AnonymousX at 11:10 PM
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