Since I'm now close to turning 30, I'm working on quitting smoking. It sucks in the cravings way, but not so much in the coughing up a lung thing. Of course, for some reason, as soon as I cut down, I ended up getting sick, amusingly enough at the same time as the swine flu supposedly hit :). My throat's hurting a lot, but hopefully in the long run I'll actually quit and my lungs/throat/mouth can get back to normal.

My pool captain came back to play for one night to make the minimum number of games, but he was much thinner, limping more, in pain, and knowing that soon he would start chemo. I wish there was something I could do, but I know that the best I can do is man up, admit my reluctance to face deadly illnesses, and call him sometimes to see if he's ok. Every time I think I've figured out the slightest basics of life, I'm thrown a curveball, but I'm trying to learn how to hit them.

It's been a hell of a few weeks. In addition to Easter and the usual family antics comprising that day, my colleague's service was held last Saturday. It's been years since I actually went to a funeral despite cousins, great uncles, aunts, and others passing away since I was often about 4 states away and couldn't (or wouldn't? I wonder now) take the time and money to be there. I tried the tricks I'd used for my Grandma and Nana's funeral, yet they did me little good. I cried most of the service, and I think it unlocked a lot of guilt I felt about the funerals/wakes/services I had missed during the years.

Am I emotionally balanced? Probably never, but it seems to have opened something I locked close years ago when I started realizing that I was being overwhelmed. Does it help me at work? Hell no. But does it give me a long term hope that if I can keep my emotions closer to the surface then I may have less long-term pain pent up. I'm working on quitting smoking in preparation of my 30th birthday in about a month, and I have to stay positive, keep believing in the future, and try to learn to purge my pain in more constructive ways. God bless my coworker after life.

It's been hard lately. Something about spring lets me reflect and see exactly what has transpired for the past two seasons. And with that, we're talking about one of the worst seasons that have occurred in my life. This week has been my mental break, the change that actually gave me some respite in some ways, although of course nothing is 100%, but hey, I'll take what I can.

In other news, Easter is almost here and I get to take one day off to see my family. I'll take that as a blessing since often family is a stressor as much as a balm.

My focus is on sustaining; focusing, and making sure that the next time I take time off I have time to work on improving myself, and possibly swimming in the ocean while staying with my parents :). We all have our weak points.

Taxes are done, and I'm in the midst (ok on a break) during packing to see my aunt. I love my tax preparer, a great middle-aged woman at H&R Block who I have a great discussion with everytime I go about work conditions, the economy, and other topics that we often agree on. It's always good to vent about the shitty situation with someone new.

Things at work are slowing down again somewhat, so I'm hoping it's temporary. I have to get my butt in gear and plan for the next 3 months, IRA contribution, losing weight, stopping smoking, and preparing for spring and summer. The second thunderstorm of the season rolled through about an hour ago, meaning that winter's finally over after a long, cold, and nerve-wracking 4 months.

In other news, I saw Denis Leary, and other for the Rescue Me/Comedy tour, and it was AWESOME! There were 4 comics performing including him, and I got to see the premiere episode of Rescue Me Season 5 which I've loved forever, but can't see since I don't have FX. Overall, I have so much respect for the man it's amazing, since I don't really hero worship anyone, and ironically although he ended with his signature song Asshole, he's the farthest thing from the comic he used to be when he really was kind of an asshole. It's nice to see positive change and personal sacrifice in a celebrity for a change.