It's been a hell of a few weeks. In addition to Easter and the usual family antics comprising that day, my colleague's service was held last Saturday. It's been years since I actually went to a funeral despite cousins, great uncles, aunts, and others passing away since I was often about 4 states away and couldn't (or wouldn't? I wonder now) take the time and money to be there. I tried the tricks I'd used for my Grandma and Nana's funeral, yet they did me little good. I cried most of the service, and I think it unlocked a lot of guilt I felt about the funerals/wakes/services I had missed during the years.

Am I emotionally balanced? Probably never, but it seems to have opened something I locked close years ago when I started realizing that I was being overwhelmed. Does it help me at work? Hell no. But does it give me a long term hope that if I can keep my emotions closer to the surface then I may have less long-term pain pent up. I'm working on quitting smoking in preparation of my 30th birthday in about a month, and I have to stay positive, keep believing in the future, and try to learn to purge my pain in more constructive ways. God bless my coworker after life.