This has been one of the hardest few weeks of my life.  I'm realizing that some very fundamental things have to change; it's one of those bifurcations where you see one path that you know is the "correct" one, but there is so much pulling you in the opposite direction.  I've already been down one of those with my prior roommate situation, another with my RNR, another when I chose to become passive and accept my job as is without striving to improve myself or try for anything better.  That's three times I've chosen the easy way out.  Perhaps the fourth time is the charm in my case, or at least so I can hope.

I remember at one time, when I was less jaded, when I really believed that things could get better if you only worked for them, I saw the positive side of things despite any current dysfunction.  Even when I was paralyzed with illness and anxiety in grad school, I didn't give up.  Some part of me felt that a better paradigm could exist and was worth fighting for, no matter what had gone beforehand, along with the fact that I hadn't really experienced the limitations of my profession and how belittling it can feel to be the best at something and get nothing for it.  Now that I've experienced that, I think it really stymies me in terms of moving forward.

My sister quizzes me every time we get together.  What do you want to do?  Why can't you retrain yourself?  Why don't you try to improve things?  My answer is always that I'm tired.  Not physically tired (which yes, to a degree, but that's not the real problem), but emotionally and mentally exhausted from beating my head against a metaphorical wall for years.  Dealing with my weaknesses for years.  Living with support falling away and resources being taken year after year without fail; part my fault, part others.  The guilt of lost connections and poor decisions.  And as spoken in Magnolia, the regret, the goddamn regret that saps your strength and will, leading you to the easy path since it's the one best known, and the one best understood.

Where do I go from here?  True change is hard, and requires an incredible amount of physical, emotional, and mental investment that I don't know if I have anymore, but I'll never know if I don't try.  From now until mid-November I'm booked solid on the weekends, but hopefully in the trips I'll have time to mentally examine what I want to plan for the next week, month, year, and maybe make a plan that can be feasible.  I guess I'll find out exactly how much drive is left in me.