Today was the day.  At 8:30 am I began to say my final goodbye to my aunt in the funeral home.  I placed my card next to her body in the coffin, and we buried her at 12 pm.  At the repast we were saying goodbye to everyone, and I almost turned to find her in her wheelchair to kiss her goodbye as a reflex action.  And then I remembered.

Even though she was sick for a long time, she's been there my entire life, and knowing she'll never be there again hurts so much.  I know that it's for the best, for her sake since she's no longer in constant pain, but it's hard to know that I'll miss her this much.

Embarrassingly, my 11 year old cousin cried less than I did, although I was never bawling.  I save that for home.  I know this level of pain will pass, but in the meantime, it really, really sucks.

I'm ready for a new year.

When my aunt (also my godmother) went into a nursing home about a year ago, it was a very hard time for us, even though she'd been on dialysis now for almost 3 years and had been wheelchair-bound for about 6.  We all knew my 84 year old uncle couldn't take the physical strain any more, but we adjusted.  I coped by finding a set of cards.

Ever since high school I've done cross stitch and needlepoint; I can sew almost any kit and have even made my own patterns a few times.  This seemed to be the perfect thing to brighten up a room in an otherwise depressing place, for each month the design was the birth flower with the month and name of the flower sewn into what was placed into the card.  These flowers wouldn't die or wither and could let my aunt know I was thinking of her even though I couldn't visit often.

When I started, I knew there was a decent chance I wouldn't get to give all of them to her; that she could die before the year was out.  Two weeks ago she was in the hospital in a coma, so I waited to mail December's card.  Last night she died in hospice at the nursing home.  So I made out the card with the final things I wanted to say to her, sealed it, and will place it in her coffin. My uncle has the other 11 cards, and I'll lay her to rest with that.  They can be a connection between her and I, and a connection my uncle will have to both her and I through the cards that he saved.

It's very hard to know she's gone, but that's all I can do now.

I think I finally hit the proverbial wall.  After maintaining for days over the weekend and having the will to keep going I've reached the point of collapse.  I took time off just to breathe, sleep, and yet it's still hard to continue.

Usually November is a worse month for me in terms of fatigue and emotional lability and I was just coming out of it when everything hit the fan. Time to regroup and hope that everything works out.  It's going to be a hell of an end of the year.

To say that I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad WEEK is putting it lightly.  My great-aunt died and the wake is tomorrow, my aunt and godmother almost died and thankfully is barely making it out of ICU tomorrow or Friday, depending on how she does.  Some people have families that their largest cohorts tend to be younger; ours has mostly been the opposite.  The largest piece of our family were 8 sisters and one brother who are two generations behind me.  As a consequence, by the time I was reaching adolescence, they were approaching old age and naturally began dying off.

The wake tomorrow is for the next to last of the sisters, and the last one is suffering from Alzheimer's in a nursing home.  From when I was 14 until now, it seems that the news is always who's dying, who's dead, and after a while it gets to you.

On the plus side, and on the same side of the family, there has been a noticeable increase in weddings and  births.  The cycle is coming around again, and these are the daughters and grand-daughters of the original set of sisters and brothers, so there is some balance to the family.  I think the difference is that we've always been closer to the original sisters since my aunt never married, and since both of my direct grandparents died early, others of the great aunts and uncles stepped into their place.  As a result, we relate less to our cousins who are marrying and procreating, and closer to those in the twilight of their life.

All I know is that it hurts every time we do this.  I'll survive it, but there are times when it just flat out is terrible emotionally.  Hopefully the holidays will help to celebrate those who are still here.

Since my trip to Disney World I find it harder than before to accept the daily life of resignation and the imperfect world we live in, while knowing that, of course, WDW is more artificial than a normal person's daily life.  I'm sure that the performers (or cast members as they refer to them) hook up, break up, angst, and have the difficulties of normal people; but for a week there was a suspension of disbelief.  Whatever else Disney does, they get that right.

I wonder for those who visit at a certain point in their adolescence how that eventually filters through their experiences.  Until I went to college I was incredibly sheltered, and although the last time I was there pre-2013 I was 10, I don't think it would have tripped my cynic radar pre-18.  Mostly because I didn't really have a cynicism radar!  That first developed in college, was honed in grad school, and developed to a razor edge in the first 3 years I was in NYC.  I think that if I had gone back in high school it would have been slightly different from the perspective of a 10 year old, but the innocence would still have been there. It requires trials of life experiences to really see things from multiple angles.

I think that's what fascinated me most about my entire trip was the Walt Disney exhibit in Hollywood Studios.  Walt had failed in a few endeavors prior to creating Mickey Mouse, and even afterward had to strive incredibly hard to make Disney Studios last through the Depression and WWII, adapting as necessary.  Before he died, his vision for Disney World was actually called EPCOT (Experimental Prototype City of Tomorrow) which included the Magic Kingdom as well as what was eventually called EPCOT.  It was only after his death that Walt Disney World became the official name for the entire complex in tribute to his dedication, vision, and intelligence in buying up 28,000 acres of Florida property to expand as necessary!

How could someone leave his family during the Depression to try and make his own way out of necessity, fail a few times, and still pursue something he loved to found one of the most successful animation companies in the world? There were setbacks, re-toolings, experiments that didn't work and other normal difficulties, but still, the sheer optimism and resilience that he displayed is incredibly admirable. I'm not one for admiration of the current crop of "heroes" with the exception of perhaps Warren Buffett who also advocates for the average person; but as for past heroes, I have a new appreciation for the vision, compassion, and drive that transcended his past failures and reached for new heights, knowing how the average person would cower behind any safety net they can.

I'm not advocating major changes for myself.  I know my limits and that I will never be one of the movers and shakers of the world, but I am thrilled that Hollywood Studios has at least recorded some of these amazing achievements of Disney, and after chatting with an employee at the exhibit, learned that Walt himself actually was discussing the idea of the current animated film (now billed as Frozen) back in the 1950's, based off of Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. I think today he would be proud to see what has become of his ambitions, his sweat and tears, and what would ultimately be his accomplishments, even posthumously.

It's good to remember that; watching those cast members who act the part, and that you know have the usual trials of life going on; they give the illusion of Walt Disney's ideal land which has given so many children and adults a joyous holiday, since experiences like that are so rare in today's world.  Even he wasn't blessed at every step, and in fact had overcome many challenges, but if you hold on, maybe there's something greater as the sum of all your efforts. At least we can hope.