I'm doing a little better. It's still really hard to get through the day, but I actually have some color in my life again instead of feeling like I'm drowned in gray. My stress levels are through the roof along with my anxiety, where even taking on a hard request at work spikes my blood pressure, but at least I've gotten some sleep which does help.
Some days I feel so angry that this is my life, not that anyone has it easy, but that I'm so dragged down by the smallest things that others can just roll with instead of sinking into despair. I try to focus on the present, the positive, and that I still can change some things that are within my control, but after over two decades of this (particularly the first decade that went untreated), it's exhausting. I know that I sabotage myself in many ways, so that I'm definitely responsible for certain dysfunctions and vices, but part of what pauses me in terms of addressing those is the recollection of how much that first decade sucked, and how pretty much all of the patterns I've fallen into were molded then, before medication.
Does medication work for me? Sometimes. Sometimes I think it actually can make things worse mentally because I know there are people out there who don't need it, or need it only temporarily, and I get angry about genetics that kind of tossed me a crap hand both physically and mentally. One of the major fights with my parents years ago was they thought I should quit the meds because it's not healthy. News flash: being off them is far less healthy.
When my primary med stopped working a year and a half ago I realized that even when you think you've found a cure or even just a level of stability, it can suddenly put you back where you started, which threw me for a whole new spin as I'd actually thought there might be something of a reliable answer. Apparently this is normal and can happen on most meds. After that experience I expect ups and downs to happen; right now I'm struggling, but with the hope and experience that I will get over this. When you lose that, it's time to call for help however you can find it.
At least I truly believe that it will get better, which is a major step forward from other times. The world may be mostly gray, but the color will come back.
Some days I feel so angry that this is my life, not that anyone has it easy, but that I'm so dragged down by the smallest things that others can just roll with instead of sinking into despair. I try to focus on the present, the positive, and that I still can change some things that are within my control, but after over two decades of this (particularly the first decade that went untreated), it's exhausting. I know that I sabotage myself in many ways, so that I'm definitely responsible for certain dysfunctions and vices, but part of what pauses me in terms of addressing those is the recollection of how much that first decade sucked, and how pretty much all of the patterns I've fallen into were molded then, before medication.
Does medication work for me? Sometimes. Sometimes I think it actually can make things worse mentally because I know there are people out there who don't need it, or need it only temporarily, and I get angry about genetics that kind of tossed me a crap hand both physically and mentally. One of the major fights with my parents years ago was they thought I should quit the meds because it's not healthy. News flash: being off them is far less healthy.
When my primary med stopped working a year and a half ago I realized that even when you think you've found a cure or even just a level of stability, it can suddenly put you back where you started, which threw me for a whole new spin as I'd actually thought there might be something of a reliable answer. Apparently this is normal and can happen on most meds. After that experience I expect ups and downs to happen; right now I'm struggling, but with the hope and experience that I will get over this. When you lose that, it's time to call for help however you can find it.
At least I truly believe that it will get better, which is a major step forward from other times. The world may be mostly gray, but the color will come back.
posted by AnonymousX at 9:39 PM
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