On Monday I was hit with the equivalent of a hammer's blow. Back in 2010 I was chosen to go to Hong Kong for a month to train researchers there which was the opportunity and trip of a lifetime. However, back in 2010 I was much more stable in many ways and amazingly, despite my fears and doubts, I acquitted myself quite well. It is an experience I will treasure forever.
Now there is a possibility I could go to Buenos Aires, Argentina to train people there for 3 months if the original trainer can't go. Three, four, five years ago I would have jumped at the chance, but considering how thoroughly horrible the past few months have been combined with other factors and new diagnoses, this comes at a most inopportune time. Yet I don't want to reject it out of hand since again it would probably be a one-in-a-lifetime chance, and God knows it would likely be incredible.
The other factor is that while one month was (relatively) simple to arrange, three months is a considerably larger task since I would have to arrange things with my landlord (and probably pay the 3 months upfront), leave my pool team when we're down people to start with, and in general be ready to completely turn my life upside down and start again in BA. Along with that is the medication issues, the new diagnosis of possibly essential tremor, which is very embarrassing and annoying, and the fact that knowing how things are done in my organization, I would have at most 2 weeks to arrange everything for my departure. Stress has been killing me to start with, so the added burden would possibly give me a figurative heart attack (hopefully not literally, no really, one of my colleagues ended up having a heart attack and dying in Mumbai).
When I was in Hong Kong, two phrases from movies kept running through my mind. In Ratatouille, Linguine was getting ready to enter the restaurant with Remy for the first time, scared of his own abilities yet willing to put it all on the line, and declared strongly "So let's do this thing!" Every morning this would run through my head as I headed down the Escalator towards Central. As I would make up the reports and try to assess exactly how I was doing and if I was succeeding at my task, I would hear Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas singing "Well, what the heck, I went and did my best!" which perfectly encapsulated how I felt about the endeavor, unsure that I was fulfilling my duties. In the end, I received positive reviews and seem to have done a good job, but my God, doing that again in my emotional state...
I've thought about this a lot since I was given a heads up on Monday, since I only asked for a few days to decide. I'll ask my colleague I trust and my sister as well, see what they say, run it by my parents, and then I guess it's decision time. Of course this is handicapped by the fact that none of them know about my recent health issues, but I'm aware of that piece of my dilemma, and ultimately of course have to make my own decision about the trip. I know it may not even happen if the original person decides to go, but I think if I work this through now and the opportunity does come again, I can be better prepared in terms of how to respond.
My God, I wonder sometimes if those who are unattached like me would even think twice about this, but I can't dwell on my own shortcomings, just try to make an informed decision on every level and if I take the plunge, do the best damn job I can. It worked in Hong Kong. Maybe I can do it again.
"Well, what the heck, I went and did my best!"
Now there is a possibility I could go to Buenos Aires, Argentina to train people there for 3 months if the original trainer can't go. Three, four, five years ago I would have jumped at the chance, but considering how thoroughly horrible the past few months have been combined with other factors and new diagnoses, this comes at a most inopportune time. Yet I don't want to reject it out of hand since again it would probably be a one-in-a-lifetime chance, and God knows it would likely be incredible.
The other factor is that while one month was (relatively) simple to arrange, three months is a considerably larger task since I would have to arrange things with my landlord (and probably pay the 3 months upfront), leave my pool team when we're down people to start with, and in general be ready to completely turn my life upside down and start again in BA. Along with that is the medication issues, the new diagnosis of possibly essential tremor, which is very embarrassing and annoying, and the fact that knowing how things are done in my organization, I would have at most 2 weeks to arrange everything for my departure. Stress has been killing me to start with, so the added burden would possibly give me a figurative heart attack (hopefully not literally, no really, one of my colleagues ended up having a heart attack and dying in Mumbai).
When I was in Hong Kong, two phrases from movies kept running through my mind. In Ratatouille, Linguine was getting ready to enter the restaurant with Remy for the first time, scared of his own abilities yet willing to put it all on the line, and declared strongly "So let's do this thing!" Every morning this would run through my head as I headed down the Escalator towards Central. As I would make up the reports and try to assess exactly how I was doing and if I was succeeding at my task, I would hear Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas singing "Well, what the heck, I went and did my best!" which perfectly encapsulated how I felt about the endeavor, unsure that I was fulfilling my duties. In the end, I received positive reviews and seem to have done a good job, but my God, doing that again in my emotional state...
I've thought about this a lot since I was given a heads up on Monday, since I only asked for a few days to decide. I'll ask my colleague I trust and my sister as well, see what they say, run it by my parents, and then I guess it's decision time. Of course this is handicapped by the fact that none of them know about my recent health issues, but I'm aware of that piece of my dilemma, and ultimately of course have to make my own decision about the trip. I know it may not even happen if the original person decides to go, but I think if I work this through now and the opportunity does come again, I can be better prepared in terms of how to respond.
My God, I wonder sometimes if those who are unattached like me would even think twice about this, but I can't dwell on my own shortcomings, just try to make an informed decision on every level and if I take the plunge, do the best damn job I can. It worked in Hong Kong. Maybe I can do it again.
"Well, what the heck, I went and did my best!"
posted by AnonymousX at 8:52 PM
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