For whatever reason, I've recently seen the Dunning-Kruger Effect in news multiple times. Curious, I Googled it and found the link to Imposter Syndrome.
Holy hell does that describe me in many ways. I've always been head of the class, extremely competent both in traditional academics and even in non-intellectual ways although not without some admitted weaknesses, art and music being the most prominent (creating, not appreciating). So I went into science, which ironically most people consider more difficult than the arts but for me was easier to understand. There was usually one answer, sometimes multiple ways of getting there, but a much more defined field that didn't rely on abstracts as often.
I think it started in middle school where my level of intelligence drove most of my friends away since my social and emotional intelligence had fallen far behind my intellectual abilities. High school made it worse when I finally found a group of friends that seemed to accept me, but when playing Truth or Dare and I was dared to kiss a boy I admitted I'd never been kissed and didn't want my first kiss to be on a dare. They were shocked that I was that far behind on a physical relationship basis. They were surprised that I had a decent voice when I sang. They were very impressed when we happened to go to a pool hall and I could shoot well (not as well as now, but I was pretty good). My response was to deflect praise; after all, if it took people 17 years to not even understand me as a whole person with rounded abilities, I didn't want to expose myself further.
This transitioned into undergrad and grad school, which I approached with that same attitude, not realizing that my ability to analyze a situation from all sides and come up with creative approaches to answering questions was actually rather rare. Many people seem to learn something one way and then continue working under that assumption that this is the only way to research. My strengths have come from learning to switch perspectives and, as my deceased pool captain once told me, if you're in a tight spot, never take a shot until you've walked around the entire table and observed all of the possible alternatives from every angle.
And yet despite many compliments on my current research, my technique at pool, my relative success particularly for my age group, and all of the things I should be thrilled to be appreciated for, I make excuses. "It's what anyone would do," "Nothing special about it, I just got lucky," "You would have found it without me," are some of the many phrases I have used on a constant basis to redirect what most people would gladly accept as a true compliment.
What it really boils down to is the fact that for the past 20 years, when I show my true abilities, I feel I don't deserve praise. It sets me apart, puts me in a spotlight where I don't want to be since in some ways I'm terribly embarrassed to be able to do what I do. In my mind, others' recognition of my abilities, especially when they are humble about it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I have Imposter Syndrome, perhaps for the the innocent reason of trying not to make others feel like they are lacking, but it's somewhat of a revelation that by trying to be unselfish, I'm cheating myself.
Yes, I'm human. Yes, I screw up sometimes doing the things that normally I excel at. I need to revamp how I receive compliments though. Oftentimes I do deserve them, and I need to stop automatically reducing the positive and redirecting the claim. Habits are hard to break, but I can try.
Holy hell does that describe me in many ways. I've always been head of the class, extremely competent both in traditional academics and even in non-intellectual ways although not without some admitted weaknesses, art and music being the most prominent (creating, not appreciating). So I went into science, which ironically most people consider more difficult than the arts but for me was easier to understand. There was usually one answer, sometimes multiple ways of getting there, but a much more defined field that didn't rely on abstracts as often.
I think it started in middle school where my level of intelligence drove most of my friends away since my social and emotional intelligence had fallen far behind my intellectual abilities. High school made it worse when I finally found a group of friends that seemed to accept me, but when playing Truth or Dare and I was dared to kiss a boy I admitted I'd never been kissed and didn't want my first kiss to be on a dare. They were shocked that I was that far behind on a physical relationship basis. They were surprised that I had a decent voice when I sang. They were very impressed when we happened to go to a pool hall and I could shoot well (not as well as now, but I was pretty good). My response was to deflect praise; after all, if it took people 17 years to not even understand me as a whole person with rounded abilities, I didn't want to expose myself further.
This transitioned into undergrad and grad school, which I approached with that same attitude, not realizing that my ability to analyze a situation from all sides and come up with creative approaches to answering questions was actually rather rare. Many people seem to learn something one way and then continue working under that assumption that this is the only way to research. My strengths have come from learning to switch perspectives and, as my deceased pool captain once told me, if you're in a tight spot, never take a shot until you've walked around the entire table and observed all of the possible alternatives from every angle.
And yet despite many compliments on my current research, my technique at pool, my relative success particularly for my age group, and all of the things I should be thrilled to be appreciated for, I make excuses. "It's what anyone would do," "Nothing special about it, I just got lucky," "You would have found it without me," are some of the many phrases I have used on a constant basis to redirect what most people would gladly accept as a true compliment.
What it really boils down to is the fact that for the past 20 years, when I show my true abilities, I feel I don't deserve praise. It sets me apart, puts me in a spotlight where I don't want to be since in some ways I'm terribly embarrassed to be able to do what I do. In my mind, others' recognition of my abilities, especially when they are humble about it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I have Imposter Syndrome, perhaps for the the innocent reason of trying not to make others feel like they are lacking, but it's somewhat of a revelation that by trying to be unselfish, I'm cheating myself.
Yes, I'm human. Yes, I screw up sometimes doing the things that normally I excel at. I need to revamp how I receive compliments though. Oftentimes I do deserve them, and I need to stop automatically reducing the positive and redirecting the claim. Habits are hard to break, but I can try.
posted by AnonymousX at 3:47 PM
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