I'm supposed to go to a concert tomorrow night. I'm supposed to play pool tomorrow night. I'm supposed to work tomorrow and deal with a highly obnoxious vendor who I really don't have the energy or patience to deal with right now.
I try to schedule obligations so that I have to get out of the apartment and do things that hopefully get me distracted. Sometimes I succeed. More times I fail. I try to make excuses but how do you deal with a normal life and job when you're working on empty. Just showing up involves major effort, but where do I draw the line on making excuses time and again?
Mostly I'm trying to draw the line at family obligations. Or family anything, considering recent history. Or anything outside of the basic day-to-day routine that I can sleepwalk through. The last time I felt this bad was 2012, but I'm trying to avoid that again any way I can. I can last through a month, even a few months, but this has been building since December of last year, so now I'm coming up on the 8th month of feeling this way at various levels. That might be a new record, but not in a good way.
There are good days, but the bad days are far outnumbering them on a regular basis. I have to remind myself this will get better, but for now I'm just trying to hold on until that moment when you feel a shift, gradually, but one that means this has passed and you can make commitments not because you have to, but because you want to again. Kind of like a rebirth of your volition and energy. There are metaphors aplenty describing this process, but I think unless you've experienced it most people have no idea what it takes to pull through.
You're asked if you're ok since it shows in your face, your voice, and mannerisms, but you can't honestly answer without repercussions, whereas someone who has a physically recurrent disease like fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis can just admit they're having a bad day (not to minimize those illness, I know they are terrible to deal with). And even those with physical illnesses are looked down on as unreliable simply because something is flawed in your body and even worse, your genetic code which you never had control over.
I try not to repeat myself, but the sheer exhaustion from dealing with this, the anger at myself for not being able to fix this, along with the anger at those who make the days even harder just drains you in every possible way. That's why I withdraw on the weekends, while still knowing how much I'm missing out on by doing so. It's my time to just curl into a ball and try to prepare for the next week when I throw on my mask and move my puppet body where it has to go. If I can do that, I've succeeded.
I try to schedule obligations so that I have to get out of the apartment and do things that hopefully get me distracted. Sometimes I succeed. More times I fail. I try to make excuses but how do you deal with a normal life and job when you're working on empty. Just showing up involves major effort, but where do I draw the line on making excuses time and again?
Mostly I'm trying to draw the line at family obligations. Or family anything, considering recent history. Or anything outside of the basic day-to-day routine that I can sleepwalk through. The last time I felt this bad was 2012, but I'm trying to avoid that again any way I can. I can last through a month, even a few months, but this has been building since December of last year, so now I'm coming up on the 8th month of feeling this way at various levels. That might be a new record, but not in a good way.
There are good days, but the bad days are far outnumbering them on a regular basis. I have to remind myself this will get better, but for now I'm just trying to hold on until that moment when you feel a shift, gradually, but one that means this has passed and you can make commitments not because you have to, but because you want to again. Kind of like a rebirth of your volition and energy. There are metaphors aplenty describing this process, but I think unless you've experienced it most people have no idea what it takes to pull through.
You're asked if you're ok since it shows in your face, your voice, and mannerisms, but you can't honestly answer without repercussions, whereas someone who has a physically recurrent disease like fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis can just admit they're having a bad day (not to minimize those illness, I know they are terrible to deal with). And even those with physical illnesses are looked down on as unreliable simply because something is flawed in your body and even worse, your genetic code which you never had control over.
I try not to repeat myself, but the sheer exhaustion from dealing with this, the anger at myself for not being able to fix this, along with the anger at those who make the days even harder just drains you in every possible way. That's why I withdraw on the weekends, while still knowing how much I'm missing out on by doing so. It's my time to just curl into a ball and try to prepare for the next week when I throw on my mask and move my puppet body where it has to go. If I can do that, I've succeeded.
posted by AnonymousX at 4:49 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home