While I know how powerless I am at work, today was another one of those days when you just feel like the wind's been knocked out of you.  Even when I started in 2006-2007 there were rumors we were moving downtown near what is now the new WTC, and I was not thrilled.  However, we managed to obtain another building in midtown so we stayed, even moving into the new building ourselves.

Since then rumors have been swirling for the past two years that we're relocating yet again, and not in midtown.  At that point downtown would have been preferable to what we were told today.  We're going to freaking Brooklyn!  It's better than Jersey City, but damn, that's going to double my commute, which sucks, and I'll have to remain a sardine on the 4/5 ALL the way from the UES.  Not just that, but because of my role, I will almost certainly have to split my time between my banker floor in midtown and our new home in Brooklyn, which since we have 10 pound laptops should be great for my ailing back.

I know we're viewed as support staff and an expense instead of a revenue-generating department, but this solidifies it in a very ominous sense where the next step could conceivably axing the entire NY department.  Cutting us off from the bankers physically, moving us to a secondary (or even tertiary) property because obviously we weren't worth the floor space in midtown, and the general trend of taking away every possible privilege or positive reinforcement we could have kind of looks like this may be the final step.

I'm locked into my lease until next November since when I resigned in July it seemed just the normal rumor, but even looking at Brooklyn prices, they're not much better!  Unless you go to one of the far-flung, dangerous, or significant distance from a subway neighborhoods, rent is just as expensive if not more.  There's a bit more room, but not enough to justify moving, particularly if they do eliminate the department and I end up stranded in Brooklyn.

I've been trying to be upbeat all day as most of my co-workers pretty much want to throw a tantrum, but it's hard for me too.  I just keep reminding myself that at least I'm here in NYC and an hour commute won't be terrible.  My biggest concern are 3 colleagues that come in from pretty far out in Jersey or Westchester.  Their commutes are about an hour and a half as is, so this would make it about 2 hours on a GOOD day.

I've been there.  When I got my first job in NYC I was in South Jersey and the commute was 2 and 1/2 hours.  I did it for 3 and a 1/2 months, but knowing that it was temporary and I was moving into New York as soon as my lease was up.  If I was facing years of that commute, I probably would have either quit, or simply collapsed from exhaustion one day.  But yet again, we end up with the shit sandwich.  At least they're consistent!

Online interactions are something very unique that hasn't really existed in the past. Even just chatting with customer support, if you choose to ask a mildly personal question and they respond, that's as good as the positive body signals that I'm so bad at interpreting in real life conversations.  On this chat, I sympathized very much with the person who has to live in Buffalo and has vacationed in the Finger Lakes.  It was pretty amusing that he thought I was older than I was (I guess for cable your birth date's not in the file), since he was talking about rabbit ears and Gilligan's Island as if I'd been around when they were in vogue, but that's the protection of anonymity.

Despite small lies on those topics, it was just...nice.  To talk to a stranger and being able to see what will appear on the screen instead of blurting out inappropriate things.  To think that hopefully I made his shift less onerous.  To know there basically are no repercussions if I say something wrong; he can just let the chat idle instead of replying.

Anonymity on some level really takes away some of the stress I have interacting with the real world.  It's not healthy and not something I want to do often since it is avoiding my own anxieties and problems.  But I can see where for someone who doesn't understand the pitfalls of this situation, particularly teenagers who feel they don't relate to their peers, it can be seductive. 

No matter what, any semi-long term online contact should at some point go to IRL.  Otherwise you're tiptoeing around the edge of life all together, and the internet has enabled that to an unprecedented degree.  It's a brave new world.

Even though I've finished the antibiotics, I'm struggling with an unsettled stomach and of course an asshole neighbor.   I really don't understand how someone wants to listen to their TV/music that loud.  I can't imagine how loud it must be INSIDE his apartment.  Someday I want to have the money to live where there's a doorman.  Where I don't have to deal with neighbors' noises.  Of course, that's not going to happen unless I win the lottery, so I just have to suck it up and deal.  *sigh*

Pain.  Lots of pain.  I was ok until about a day ago, then there was this creeping sense of aches floating through my muscles.  Sure, I lifted an 18 lb bag of laundry, so maybe I just pulled something.

Oh hell no. While Cipro actually tightened my tendons, the higher dose of Levaquin (500 for 7 days) has caused my entire muscular structure decide to hate me.  I'll finish the course because tomorrow's the last dose and because I don't want this to recur AGAIN, but wow, by the end of the day I'm walking like a 90 year old woman since it hurts to move. I'm just hoping to power through tomorrow, maybe work from home on Friday, then have the weekend to recuperate and get the Levaquin out of my system.

This has probably been the least healthy summer I've ever had, so much that I'm rather glad summer's almost over.  Maybe fall will bring better health.

Ow.  I tried to convince myself it was just cramps, but no, I'm back on antibiotics.  I always wonder how much my lifestyle impacts my health versus how the stress and inactivity at work does.  It's ironic that my first jobs were all very physical, the exact opposite of now.

At 14 I started shelving books in our local public library, which involved pushing full carts of books.  At 16 I decided that I wanted to be a veterinarian (although that obviously changed when I looked at the student loans I would have had to take out), so I became a version of a veterinary technician.  New Jersey is one state that doesn't require a certification to become a VT, so now a high school student is responsible for the regular mopping, cage cleaning, holding dogs and cats (some as large as 100 pounds) as still as possible during procedures, along with a host of other tasks that required some muscle.  What made the most impact, however, was closing the hospital, making sure IVs are set for the night, and basically making sure nothing dies overnight from my mistake.  That taught me responsibility VERY quickly as well as giving me the first step toward my medical knowledge that I still use today.

Along the way I worked in the Meat Science department in college grinding dead rats (yes, you read that right), the Psychology department doing brain surgery on live hamsters (yes, you also read that right), various other vet hospitals including an exotic animal vet, but two jobs really challenged me physically.  I would say the hardest job was working in the local stable, where mucking stalls and hauling bales of hay was required, along with oiling saddles and occasionally wrangling with one of the horses so they didn't crush me against the side of their stall.  This also required steel toed boots so your foot wouldn't get flattened if the horse stepped on you.

Coming in second was working at the local shelter.  While I was in the Cattery, where moving the cats was much easier than dogs, the amount of cleaning was definitely on par with my usual vet jobs.  The difference was the volume passing in and out, and mostly, the amount we were expected to carry.  The garbage bags were so large and heavy that I had spasms in my back, one so severe I actually crashed to my knees in pain. On a positive note, because of this exercise that came with the jobs, I never had to go to a gym, and stayed trim throughout undergrad.

Once I gave up veterinarian as a job choice and opted for librarian, however, it's very different to say the least!  The most physical I get at my job is walking to another floor of the building since pretty much all of our sources are online.  Since I was "spoiled" by never having to actively exercise, my natural instinct is to just come home and chill.  I tried yoga, but the class times didn't work well around my work schedule, plus the cost was outrageous.  I can't run since I had shin splints even in high school and have had arthritis in my knees since I was 22, so that's off the table.  I'm still searching for something that would get me back in shape, doesn't cost an arm and a leg like a gym membership, but would require me to regret smoking and gain some muscle back.

Maybe someday I'll find something that does work to keep me in better shape, and in better health.

I had an amazing time while vacationing which reminds me there is so much more to life than the work/tv/sleep/work rhythm that most of us fall into since we exhaust ourselves on just the working part. That saps my willpower and energy and leads me into that apathetic repetition that I've experienced without the impetus to improve my situation. I'm not sure I can 100% change (or even some percentage change), but I need to move more. I need to relax and not take on too much. I need to look to myself first.

But for the first time in years I have had a taste of a truly different lifestyle. There are places where you have different options than New York. NYC has an incredible amount going for it, granted, but the expense of even trying to join yoga, join a gym, have peaceful sleep while hearing your neighbors, and many other things really do make it difficult. In other situations you have more control over your own environment and finances, but what would be a "normal" salary would not come very close to the salary here; pathetic as it is considering that every firm knows what it takes to really have a living wage or a decent wage here and has systematically cut benefits and refusing pay increases at the same time.

I have to remember that I have options. I don't tend to take drastic moves since I've fought so hard to be where I am, yet there are so many things that I need to just take time and analyze, where I have to sort out how to handle things better. I'll try to make that time; to feel as I did in the past few days where there aren't really those responsibilities or where I embrace the neurotic feeling (although it's somewhat true) that I am needed because no one else can do what I do so I just pile up stress.

I need to put things in perspective. I need to back off to where I'm valuable but not irreplaceable in terms of what I can do only when one or two other people can do it as well or better out of at least 80 people worldwide. Even them it usually takes them 8 hours instead of 2 for me, yet even with the best I've known it's the same situation. They just burned them out, and the employee switches to passive aggressive where they are even reluctant to bring others up to that level. They know how it will shake out with necessary apathy to keep from going crazy over the ridiculous lack of anything resembling acknowledgement and relatively equal compensation for the niche, difficult job you've worked so hard to achieve.

I've known this from observing over the years and watching those who show up in body, not mind or soul; yet all my life I've been the exceptional one that pushes to realize my potential at the expense of my health because others rely so heavily on my talents that it's a given to them that I will pull the frying pan out of the fire when no one else can. It's something that was fine when there was more balance or if it really didn't matter so could be delegated (where mediocre results are accepted), but I hit the breaking point. I'm where I can't give slack to those who ignore or don't realize the resulting burn, recovery, and resentment that occurs when they lean on me to make up for incompetence with 75% of our worldwide staff and they're just thrilled I can do it. They don't understand how much I am impacted by it since I they're doubling or tripling my workload, and every year it gets worse.

I need to remind myself of the good times outside of work like these past few days. And I think I may seriously need to evaluate what my options are long term. I can accept how things are, but ultimately it will cause me to buckle under the pressure. Intellectual ability has an even greater ability to cripple you emotionally and socially; it's already occurred since when I was young and even in recent years, but this is different. After the stress, lack of rewards, and the general impact on me; when there's no time off as in school for summers/weeks at a time to recharge, I literally cannot keep going at that kind of pace. I can't be the only person who will multitask on 4 requests at a time. It's breaking me, not just intellectually in terms of resenting that I am the only one where this is expected (if not required), but physically and emotionally, and has done for years.

Think of chilling by the pool. Think of watching the moon rise over an ocean or a lake. Put my job in the back of my mind and realize that I shouldn't be the only one to shoulder the load, and not on a temporary basis. I have a lot of reconciliation to do tomorrow to go back to work after almost two weeks and be thrown into the lion's den again. I can't be perfect. I can't be the carrier of the department, just the expert and be available to try and train an apprentice perhaps. And you know what? I should have never been put in that position, especially when there's no reward for the load dumped on my shoulders daily.

I really need to just stop and evaluate, while hoping like hell that things will change if I stop trying to do it all myself. I hope it works. If not, well, it's time to maybe start looking around.

One week off down, one more to go.  I wish I could say that I was looking forward to going back to my job, and certainly there are things I enjoy about it, but overall the level of stress that piles up daily just burns me out.  Yet I can't imagine starting a job search all over again or landing another job that pays as well and lets me work with such a great department.  It's a nice little Catch 22 with a bow; the best thing would be to look around but I don't have the energy or time to do so.

I remember my previous job searches.  Despite being incredibly competent and with tons of untapped potential to learn the job, each search took about 9 months, and that was PRE-recession.  While the economy is improving, it's still a far cry from my searches in 2004 and 2006.  Granted, I now have a lot more experience to bring to any job since I've been working in my field for 10 years post-graduate school and have almost 8 years of experience in my current job, but the prospect is still daunting.

The other thing to consider is whether it really would be that much different elsewhere in terms of the stress.  Businesses have embraced the "do more with less" philosophy with a vengeance, so being short-staffed has become normal, even when the final product suffers.  It's a take it or leave it attitude too often where as an employee you have no power to push for proper coverage, proper salaries, or any sort of concession from the company.  Particularly in my field it's taken for granted that everyone is constantly overworked and that we're expected to just deal with it.

Still, looking forward to my last week and trip to Miami, then it's back to the grind.  I'll try to keep an open, positive mind, and try not to hit burn out world again.