I had an amazing time while vacationing which reminds me there is so much more to life than the work/tv/sleep/work rhythm that most of us fall into since we exhaust ourselves on just the working part. That saps my willpower and energy and leads me into that apathetic repetition that I've experienced without the impetus to improve my situation. I'm not sure I can 100% change (or even some percentage change), but I need to move more. I need to relax and not take on too much. I need to look to myself first.
But for the first time in years I have had a taste of a truly different lifestyle. There are places where you have different options than New York. NYC has an incredible amount going for it, granted, but the expense of even trying to join yoga, join a gym, have peaceful sleep while hearing your neighbors, and many other things really do make it difficult. In other situations you have more control over your own environment and finances, but what would be a "normal" salary would not come very close to the salary here; pathetic as it is considering that every firm knows what it takes to really have a living wage or a decent wage here and has systematically cut benefits and refusing pay increases at the same time.
I have to remember that I have options. I don't tend to take drastic moves since I've fought so hard to be where I am, yet there are so many things that I need to just take time and analyze, where I have to sort out how to handle things better. I'll try to make that time; to feel as I did in the past few days where there aren't really those responsibilities or where I embrace the neurotic feeling (although it's somewhat true) that I am needed because no one else can do what I do so I just pile up stress.
I need to put things in perspective. I need to back off to where I'm valuable but not irreplaceable in terms of what I can do only when one or two other people can do it as well or better out of at least 80 people worldwide. Even them it usually takes them 8 hours instead of 2 for me, yet even with the best I've known it's the same situation. They just burned them out, and the employee switches to passive aggressive where they are even reluctant to bring others up to that level. They know how it will shake out with necessary apathy to keep from going crazy over the ridiculous lack of anything resembling acknowledgement and relatively equal compensation for the niche, difficult job you've worked so hard to achieve.
I've known this from observing over the years and watching those who show up in body, not mind or soul; yet all my life I've been the exceptional one that pushes to realize my potential at the expense of my health because others rely so heavily on my talents that it's a given to them that I will pull the frying pan out of the fire when no one else can. It's something that was fine when there was more balance or if it really didn't matter so could be delegated (where mediocre results are accepted), but I hit the breaking point. I'm where I can't give slack to those who ignore or don't realize the resulting burn, recovery, and resentment that occurs when they lean on me to make up for incompetence with 75% of our worldwide staff and they're just thrilled I can do it. They don't understand how much I am impacted by it since I they're doubling or tripling my workload, and every year it gets worse.
I need to remind myself of the good times outside of work like these past few days. And I think I may seriously need to evaluate what my options are long term. I can accept how things are, but ultimately it will cause me to buckle under the pressure. Intellectual ability has an even greater ability to cripple you emotionally and socially; it's already occurred since when I was young and even in recent years, but this is different. After the stress, lack of rewards, and the general impact on me; when there's no time off as in school for summers/weeks at a time to recharge, I literally cannot keep going at that kind of pace. I can't be the only person who will multitask on 4 requests at a time. It's breaking me, not just intellectually in terms of resenting that I am the only one where this is expected (if not required), but physically and emotionally, and has done for years.
Think of chilling by the pool. Think of watching the moon rise over an ocean or a lake. Put my job in the back of my mind and realize that I shouldn't be the only one to shoulder the load, and not on a temporary basis. I have a lot of reconciliation to do tomorrow to go back to work after almost two weeks and be thrown into the lion's den again. I can't be perfect. I can't be the carrier of the department, just the expert and be available to try and train an apprentice perhaps. And you know what? I should have never been put in that position, especially when there's no reward for the load dumped on my shoulders daily.
I really need to just stop and evaluate, while hoping like hell that things will change if I stop trying to do it all myself. I hope it works. If not, well, it's time to maybe start looking around.
But for the first time in years I have had a taste of a truly different lifestyle. There are places where you have different options than New York. NYC has an incredible amount going for it, granted, but the expense of even trying to join yoga, join a gym, have peaceful sleep while hearing your neighbors, and many other things really do make it difficult. In other situations you have more control over your own environment and finances, but what would be a "normal" salary would not come very close to the salary here; pathetic as it is considering that every firm knows what it takes to really have a living wage or a decent wage here and has systematically cut benefits and refusing pay increases at the same time.
I have to remember that I have options. I don't tend to take drastic moves since I've fought so hard to be where I am, yet there are so many things that I need to just take time and analyze, where I have to sort out how to handle things better. I'll try to make that time; to feel as I did in the past few days where there aren't really those responsibilities or where I embrace the neurotic feeling (although it's somewhat true) that I am needed because no one else can do what I do so I just pile up stress.
I need to put things in perspective. I need to back off to where I'm valuable but not irreplaceable in terms of what I can do only when one or two other people can do it as well or better out of at least 80 people worldwide. Even them it usually takes them 8 hours instead of 2 for me, yet even with the best I've known it's the same situation. They just burned them out, and the employee switches to passive aggressive where they are even reluctant to bring others up to that level. They know how it will shake out with necessary apathy to keep from going crazy over the ridiculous lack of anything resembling acknowledgement and relatively equal compensation for the niche, difficult job you've worked so hard to achieve.
I've known this from observing over the years and watching those who show up in body, not mind or soul; yet all my life I've been the exceptional one that pushes to realize my potential at the expense of my health because others rely so heavily on my talents that it's a given to them that I will pull the frying pan out of the fire when no one else can. It's something that was fine when there was more balance or if it really didn't matter so could be delegated (where mediocre results are accepted), but I hit the breaking point. I'm where I can't give slack to those who ignore or don't realize the resulting burn, recovery, and resentment that occurs when they lean on me to make up for incompetence with 75% of our worldwide staff and they're just thrilled I can do it. They don't understand how much I am impacted by it since I they're doubling or tripling my workload, and every year it gets worse.
I need to remind myself of the good times outside of work like these past few days. And I think I may seriously need to evaluate what my options are long term. I can accept how things are, but ultimately it will cause me to buckle under the pressure. Intellectual ability has an even greater ability to cripple you emotionally and socially; it's already occurred since when I was young and even in recent years, but this is different. After the stress, lack of rewards, and the general impact on me; when there's no time off as in school for summers/weeks at a time to recharge, I literally cannot keep going at that kind of pace. I can't be the only person who will multitask on 4 requests at a time. It's breaking me, not just intellectually in terms of resenting that I am the only one where this is expected (if not required), but physically and emotionally, and has done for years.
Think of chilling by the pool. Think of watching the moon rise over an ocean or a lake. Put my job in the back of my mind and realize that I shouldn't be the only one to shoulder the load, and not on a temporary basis. I have a lot of reconciliation to do tomorrow to go back to work after almost two weeks and be thrown into the lion's den again. I can't be perfect. I can't be the carrier of the department, just the expert and be available to try and train an apprentice perhaps. And you know what? I should have never been put in that position, especially when there's no reward for the load dumped on my shoulders daily.
I really need to just stop and evaluate, while hoping like hell that things will change if I stop trying to do it all myself. I hope it works. If not, well, it's time to maybe start looking around.
posted by AnonymousX at 11:50 PM
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