At pool on Monday, one of my colleagues exclaimed that I have over 3,000 messages in my inbox, which are downloading to my iPhone and causing battery drain. I had free time tonight, so I started cleaning house, so to speak.
Just like when I was looking back at my old resumes, these emails stand as snapshots in time for me. Who I was involved with. What my positives and negatives were at my prior jobs. The trials and tribulations of life; the celebrations, friends, acquaintances, breakups, job searches, apartment searches, and all of the other things that have encompassed my nine years in the city. Mostly it's like every time you really look back through your progression through life. You laugh, you cry, you feel every emotion known to man (and woman), while virtually reliving that time from your memories.
There's also a timing factor. Gmail first opened themselves up to people who were using Blogger (Pyra Labs at the time, before the takeover), so I was one of the beta testers back in 2004. It was a new chapter in my life in many ways. Those 3,000 archived emails chronicle that last terrible year in school, starting my career afterward, and all that has ensued since.
Would I repeat my actions? Professionally, yes, since I was young and naive enough to take chances I wouldn't dream of now. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, mostly in personal relationships and responsibilities, but I've recently started trying to rectify some of these. Trying to address my health, reconnect with the people I miss that fell out of my life, and mend what is broken, although I know that some things can't always be fixed.
I try not to be in denial about my life and the events that have occurred. However, reading what was written by myself and others reminds me how I abandoned some of them, as well as how some abandoned me. The turmoil that marked so many of those times when I was jumping jobs, dealing with dysfunctions. The straw that broke the camel's back, so to say, was realizing that even the marginally positive life I envisioned was never to happen. It caused a visceral reaction that was a spark during my move to NY, fanned during my first two years here, then during the recession where nothing was certain, caused a full-on fire of maladjustments.
There were those who tried to stand by me and I pushed them aside, or those who wanted or needed me to be there for them and I didn't make the effort. The times I was selfish and put myself first even though I should have been looking at what damage I was doing to others. The times when I withdrew and left them to deal on their own. The mistakes I have made in so many ways that I can't even chronicle them here.
Then there are the ones who stood by me and championed me even when I didn't have the ability to do so myself. Who listened and sympathized, who helped me however they could, and have gone out of their way to make sure I was okay, even when I didn't feel it myself. The ones who have been my support and lifeline no matter what.
I'm trying to reconnect with my oldest friend, and I hope it goes well. I admitted all of my faults and reasons why I stopped responding to any concern or overture of our friendship from her. If that works, or even if it doesn't, I'll try with some other ex-best friends, since if reading those emails reminds me of anything, it's that they are wonderful people who I treated badly. People come in and out of your life, leave their mark as you leave yours, but sometimes it's not too late to try to at least explain the circumstances from your point of view and hear theirs. And hope for forgiveness.
I owe apologies, many for years of neglect or negativity, and it's time to start addressing that. Maybe this is finally growing up, as long as I don't repeat the patterns that caused these disconnects in the first place. At least I hope so.
Just like when I was looking back at my old resumes, these emails stand as snapshots in time for me. Who I was involved with. What my positives and negatives were at my prior jobs. The trials and tribulations of life; the celebrations, friends, acquaintances, breakups, job searches, apartment searches, and all of the other things that have encompassed my nine years in the city. Mostly it's like every time you really look back through your progression through life. You laugh, you cry, you feel every emotion known to man (and woman), while virtually reliving that time from your memories.
There's also a timing factor. Gmail first opened themselves up to people who were using Blogger (Pyra Labs at the time, before the takeover), so I was one of the beta testers back in 2004. It was a new chapter in my life in many ways. Those 3,000 archived emails chronicle that last terrible year in school, starting my career afterward, and all that has ensued since.
Would I repeat my actions? Professionally, yes, since I was young and naive enough to take chances I wouldn't dream of now. Do I have regrets? Absolutely, mostly in personal relationships and responsibilities, but I've recently started trying to rectify some of these. Trying to address my health, reconnect with the people I miss that fell out of my life, and mend what is broken, although I know that some things can't always be fixed.
I try not to be in denial about my life and the events that have occurred. However, reading what was written by myself and others reminds me how I abandoned some of them, as well as how some abandoned me. The turmoil that marked so many of those times when I was jumping jobs, dealing with dysfunctions. The straw that broke the camel's back, so to say, was realizing that even the marginally positive life I envisioned was never to happen. It caused a visceral reaction that was a spark during my move to NY, fanned during my first two years here, then during the recession where nothing was certain, caused a full-on fire of maladjustments.
There were those who tried to stand by me and I pushed them aside, or those who wanted or needed me to be there for them and I didn't make the effort. The times I was selfish and put myself first even though I should have been looking at what damage I was doing to others. The times when I withdrew and left them to deal on their own. The mistakes I have made in so many ways that I can't even chronicle them here.
Then there are the ones who stood by me and championed me even when I didn't have the ability to do so myself. Who listened and sympathized, who helped me however they could, and have gone out of their way to make sure I was okay, even when I didn't feel it myself. The ones who have been my support and lifeline no matter what.
I'm trying to reconnect with my oldest friend, and I hope it goes well. I admitted all of my faults and reasons why I stopped responding to any concern or overture of our friendship from her. If that works, or even if it doesn't, I'll try with some other ex-best friends, since if reading those emails reminds me of anything, it's that they are wonderful people who I treated badly. People come in and out of your life, leave their mark as you leave yours, but sometimes it's not too late to try to at least explain the circumstances from your point of view and hear theirs. And hope for forgiveness.
I owe apologies, many for years of neglect or negativity, and it's time to start addressing that. Maybe this is finally growing up, as long as I don't repeat the patterns that caused these disconnects in the first place. At least I hope so.
posted by AnonymousX at 10:01 PM
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