Thursday, October 30, 2014

I love the Upper East Side.  I hate the 4-5-6 subways.  When I was commuting 2 stops on the express, 4 stops on the local, it wasn't too bad if there were some service delays.  I could even walk to work if I had to! Now that I'm heading into Brooklyn two days a week I'm realizing the nightmares that used to be minor inconveniences turns into major delays.  I only have those options, the 4 or the 5, so if something goes wrong, I'm screwed.

I knew there were delays since I check NY1 every morning, but being polite cost me half an hour of extra time.  At 59th, I stepped out to let passengers exit, especially since there was a wheelchair half blocking the door, but someone pushed past me from behind and I was stuck on the platform. Six trains come and go until I manage to squeeze onto one, and stand sardined until we get past Fulton St.

Even better?  We're running slower in general because of the backups from earlier problems, but then once we leave Bowling Green, we stop dead.  In the tunnel under the East River.  For half an hour since there's a train stuck at Borough Hall (my new destination).  Normal commute door to door is usually 50 minutes to one hour.  This time it took me 2 hours to make it to work even though I left my apartment on time.

My longest commute ever was 2 and a 1/2 hours from South Jersey into NYC, which was awful considering NJ Transit, but I knew that was temporary.  This is permanent (most likely).  Not only do I have to carry my laptop with me on these lovely subway rides when switching offices, but  I'm facing other problems with this.  I'm lucky that my work won't hassle me about transit delays, but it stretches what was a 12 hour day into a 13 or 14 hour day (or more if we're really busy).  I realize many have it worse than me with overtime or multiple jobs, but after almost a year of personal losses, burglaries, illnesses, and stress resulting from all of this, it's hard to face.

I was supposed to go to good schools, graduate programs, take the best paying corporate job in my field, and ending up at least comfortable or better.  I have fulfilled all of those requirements and more.  I also save for emergencies and manage my money tightly since rent inevitably is rising.  I always have had financial responsibility, but my physical stamina is waning, which is why I'm contemplating asking for unpaid leave. An easier commute isn't the answer, but at least there could be marked improvements.  I can't mentally will the 2nd Avenue subway into existence, but there will be days when I'm sitting on the 4 or 5 thinking "What am I doing?".

Friday, October 24, 2014

Things are going better now, but I'm still rather exhausted, and can't come up with any pithy entries or general musings. So for now I'm just happy with working on building myself (but not my weight!) back up again and focusing on where I want to be in the next few years.

As I've stated before, I don't do New Years' resolutions since, honestly, if you don't have the motivation to make those changes in any given week, chances are very slim that one day's determination will transition to a permanent life alteration.  But maybe this year, if I start early and move onto things gradually, there's more of a chance of success than trying to ban something completely  from your life when it's been a habit for over a decade.

I'm really talking about quitting smoking.  I was so sick for 2+ weeks that I physically couldn't smoke, and am trying to carry it forward.  I still picked up a pack a week ago.  On the plus side, I've only had maximum 2 a day, which is bringing it back to how I started smoking 16 years ago in college, but I (obviously) know how it can creep cig by cig until it's an automatic reaction to reach for that morning smoke. 

I'm still on the first pack and have about half left, which isn't bad for 7 days, but I have to watch myself.  I do not want to end there again; maybe I can finally quit! I can't give up yet.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

While our department moved to MetroTech on October 6th, I've been so sick that Monday was my first day back at work, but at our old building.  Since I'm a sector specialist I'm going to be spending 3 days per week on the banker floor in Midtown, and 2 days down at MetroTech.  Today was my first day experiencing the new office.

The longer commute doesn't bother me (except that we're so busy I put in overtime Monday and today which sucks time away that I don't get paid for), and luckily I can stay on one train the whole way with only  a little more walking once I arrive in Brooklyn.  It's about an hour door to door, whereas it's 1/2 an hour to the old building.  What jarred me the most was our MetroTech building.  Holy god, have they not done a decor review since the 1970's or 80's (although I know it was built in the early 90's, you would never guess it)!?

Do you remember early MTV?  Max Headroom and the multitude of TVs of different sizes showing random images?  Yeah, that's part of one wall of the lobby.  Neon?  Yup, got that.  Ok, weird, but I find my new floor.  I'd been warned ahead of time that the carpet is some hideous shade of green, but wow.

You know the color of that fake green grass that people put in their gardens or patios?  Imagine an industrial carpet covering an entire floor of a large office building almost that exact color.  There's sort of a 90's curviness in the desk rows, and green accents here and there, but it's not enough to counteract the distracting hue of the carpet. It's intriguing that something so glaringly garish hasn't been remodeled in who knows how long, but that's back office work - utilitarian and cheap since the bankers' clients don't ever walk in the door here.

Work for me, however, is more about the bankers' needs and the incredible backlog we're running instead of the decor. I find it rather hilarious to see the utter disgust of my colleagues at every small thing you can pick apart about desk space, chairs, small pantry, and the ignominy of being banished to Brooklyn when we're barely treading water in terms of satisfying our primary clients.  As for me?  I can deal with this.  This is merely a bump in the road.

Of course this is temporary; in 6 or so months they're moving us to another floor with less desk space since we apparently don't deserve cubicles or even semi-curved desks. Curves take up more valuable office space! Ok, being honest, our (basically) demotion does piss me off; I just subdue it, but I'm not going to throw a tantrum over it. Nonetheless, I'm not totally bummed about the change. It might be nice to eat lunch in a park instead of the bustle of midtown where there's no place to comfortably sit and eat or relax outside.  Even the attitude of the current inhabitants of MetroTech is about 1/3 the intensity of the bankers' panic and stressed out fire drills. I left today at 7:30 and we were the only department still working on our floor (and possibly the building). This is literally a 9-5 building, it seems.

If I were to be really honest, I'd rather not go back to the banker floor and would gladly spend the whole week at MetroTech.  Do I have a longer commute to a somewhat hideous building, along with some other adjustments?  Yes.  But on the banker floor there's always a tense vibe that is almost palpable.  I've never managed to find a way to ameliorate their stress, and I work with the uncertainty of the analysts, the quiet drive of the associates, and the pride resulting from that one elephant deal or making their promotion. I'm far from the only influence, but I provide the search expertise and information that I trained for in grad school as well as the knowledge I've gained over 8 years in the industry to find out-of-the-box solutions.  Yet I feel that there's tension laid on my shoulders, figuratively and literally (since my shoulder and neck muscles are in danger of seizing up sometimes when I get stressed).  Decor? Not even on my radar when I'm in the banker building.

Unfortunately, I don't have a choice.  Moving us out of Manhattan officially makes us back office staff, and to justify our jobs we have to be with the bankers as much as possible.  Although I've tried to find one, I don't have a backup to take a cover my desk for a day or two off and pass the burden of physically dealing with the pressure cooker that can be the bullpen.  It's my first week doing this split schedule and in the end I may love it, but for now it's a little overwhelming, especially considering the incredible volume of requests landing in queue. I'm hoping I will enjoy the very different experiences of Midtown and MetroTech, but for now, I'll congratulate myself on my first full week back since being sick and just try to adjust to the new paradigm.  As they (and I) say; it is what it is.

Friday, October 10, 2014

This is the first time I've felt human in two weeks.  The last time I was this sick was the flu I had in 2007, where even though I was a temp I HAD to take time off because I couldn't get out of my door without feeling like collapsing. Same thing this time, where even going to the grocery store a block away is a monumental task.

I'm better finally, and thinking about the coming week.  I have to do it.  We've been running crazy high volumes, I have the ability to help with that, and I have to adjust myself to our new paradigm.  It's far from ideal, but I'll see where trying to change mindsets helps me.  It's worked in the past.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Today I cabbed home with four large bags completely full.  Tomorrow we move to Brooklyn, so it was time to pack and clean my cubicle and I realized just how much personal stuff I'd allowed in my cube.  Since I (and most of us) spend a huge chunk of life at work, when we moved in 2010 I tried to spruce up my work living space.

My first cube when I started as a temp was barren, since I didn't know how long I'd be around.  The second stall (I can't even call it a cube) was so small that there wasn't room for much.  When we moved to our present location, having a whole cubicle to myself was paradise after the bench-desk setup so I settled in.  I brought in one of my large sewing pictures, and one small one.  A scarf draped on the back of the cube lent color.  I had extra shoes, shirts, and sneakers (in case I have to someday evacuate I do NOT want to have to do it in heels).  Over 4 years you can accumulate a lot of stuff.

Sometimes it seems that once I've made a decision, wise or not, I go all in.  Even not knowing what will come afterwards, I seek to drive forward so I can find a comfortable place to stay in for a while. Change is inevitable, but I want it to happen as quickly as possible to get back to stability.  I'm going to be a nomad from now on between two offices, neither really "mine," so the situation is even more fragmented than ever. I never want to have to haul that amount of stuff home again; worst case scenario layoff, best case scenario moving again. It's not a bad lesson to learn, but I won't be bringing back most of what I took home today to either of my desks.