It's strange to see how things unfold.  The old adage of hindsight is 20/20 has made me ache to have that ability reversed.  Instead, I wish that I had some insight into the future, any clue at all where to go from here, or any confidence that this life can work out for me.

Over the past year I've felt uncertain and frightened, which usually and unfortunately has coincided with the worst times of my life in the past. Yet prior experiences should have tempered the visceral response to circumstances, both in and out of your control, when you have to trust that you'll make the right choice or passively hope things work out on a general level. Then there are those times where I've burnt out completely, yet somehow rose again to sustain myself and resume the fight on the constant roller coaster of highs and lows.  I would say the cycle is like a phoenix, but that tends to have a positive connotation (although it's never been specified that the phoenix is comfortable with the whole burning, dying and resurrecting part).  Even in that metaphorical reality, it's painful and difficult emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I really want this cycle to stop.

I've taken care of many health issues this year, adjusted to changes in my personal and professional lives, and dragged my exhausted self home night after night hoping for a respite.  I'm debt free for the first time since I went to college.  I've made some other choices that have pushed me onto a more positive path. I'm trying to make the best of bad situations and accepting that the "new normal" must be endured, since the alternative is worse. I'm fighting as best I can.  I can't ask for much more outside of that.

So really I'm talking about two things.  One is to have some hope and faith that things will change for the better by general karma and luck in the next few months.  Second is that I manage to rest, relax, try to revitalize myself regardless of life events and just learn to let go before burning out again.  We'll see, I suppose.