I've finally made a decision, and one that was extremely hard to come by. My entire life I've known that I'm not as capable physically or emotionally as most, so burnout is a more constant possibility than in those who cope normally.
Well, for the 2nd time in 2 years, I've hit that wall. It's not as dramatic as the first time since I learned, saw it coming, and tried to put buffers in place. Therefore, instead of a crisis it's more of a guided slide. I tried very hard but reserved some strength instead of going all in. I allowed myself downtime whenever possible. Finally though, I had to choose between my health and my job.
Not only have I been emotionally burned out by having no back-up, no increase in compensation despite incredibly increased workload, and sidelining by relocating us to Brooklyn while work expects us to happily spend time in both Manhattan and Brooklyn (again with zero compensation), but physically I'm so worn down that the subway, let alone life, is an ordeal.
I hurt. All the time. All of my scar tissue from previous surgeries are causing persistent pain sitting, standing, or pretty much any position except lying down, so I have pain radiating from my pelvis to my upper torso on a good day. On a bad day, it's my entire body aching and flaring up, including my arthritis if it happens to be damp that day. Ever since I've had the surgeries, if I don't get enough rest, whatever nerve endings are located there start to spark. I wonder sometimes if this is what fibromyalgia patients feel, except without the obvious physical cause; that's how bad it is.
This year, since the particular illnesses I've had have put extra muscular strain on the surgery areas, (after all, throwing up probably at least 100 times over months as well as deep flu coughing for 3+ weeks can put a hell of a lot of strain on your pelvic/torso area which is already weakened) to say it's susceptible to lasting damage is a fair statement judging by the constant pain.
So I did it. I put in for a 3 week unpaid leave. I'm aware that if I don't, there will not just be a day I don't get up, it would become long enough it will cost me my job overall since I would need to curl in a ball until the pain goes away, and I don't know how long that will take. I'm hoping less than 3 weeks :). It doesn't fix a lot of other issues, but I have to stop running myself ragged where even sleeping 12 or 13 hours on the weekend doesn't even come close to stopping the pain.
I wish it wasn't the case. I wish that I could be healthy and strong like so many others, but the die was cast in my genetics long ago, taking special tolls in 1993, 2000, 2001, and 2012. This is my life. This will not change. All that's left is to try and negotiate a truce between ability, stamina, and corporate forgiveness. I also wish I didn't have so little faith in the latter, but in our society it's the piece that determines if you keep your job no matter what toll it takes on you. I hate it, but have to acknowledge how powerful it can be in your life, so I'm depending on some corporate compassion. We'll see.
Well, for the 2nd time in 2 years, I've hit that wall. It's not as dramatic as the first time since I learned, saw it coming, and tried to put buffers in place. Therefore, instead of a crisis it's more of a guided slide. I tried very hard but reserved some strength instead of going all in. I allowed myself downtime whenever possible. Finally though, I had to choose between my health and my job.
Not only have I been emotionally burned out by having no back-up, no increase in compensation despite incredibly increased workload, and sidelining by relocating us to Brooklyn while work expects us to happily spend time in both Manhattan and Brooklyn (again with zero compensation), but physically I'm so worn down that the subway, let alone life, is an ordeal.
I hurt. All the time. All of my scar tissue from previous surgeries are causing persistent pain sitting, standing, or pretty much any position except lying down, so I have pain radiating from my pelvis to my upper torso on a good day. On a bad day, it's my entire body aching and flaring up, including my arthritis if it happens to be damp that day. Ever since I've had the surgeries, if I don't get enough rest, whatever nerve endings are located there start to spark. I wonder sometimes if this is what fibromyalgia patients feel, except without the obvious physical cause; that's how bad it is.
This year, since the particular illnesses I've had have put extra muscular strain on the surgery areas, (after all, throwing up probably at least 100 times over months as well as deep flu coughing for 3+ weeks can put a hell of a lot of strain on your pelvic/torso area which is already weakened) to say it's susceptible to lasting damage is a fair statement judging by the constant pain.
So I did it. I put in for a 3 week unpaid leave. I'm aware that if I don't, there will not just be a day I don't get up, it would become long enough it will cost me my job overall since I would need to curl in a ball until the pain goes away, and I don't know how long that will take. I'm hoping less than 3 weeks :). It doesn't fix a lot of other issues, but I have to stop running myself ragged where even sleeping 12 or 13 hours on the weekend doesn't even come close to stopping the pain.
I wish it wasn't the case. I wish that I could be healthy and strong like so many others, but the die was cast in my genetics long ago, taking special tolls in 1993, 2000, 2001, and 2012. This is my life. This will not change. All that's left is to try and negotiate a truce between ability, stamina, and corporate forgiveness. I also wish I didn't have so little faith in the latter, but in our society it's the piece that determines if you keep your job no matter what toll it takes on you. I hate it, but have to acknowledge how powerful it can be in your life, so I'm depending on some corporate compassion. We'll see.
posted by AnonymousX at 4:27 PM
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