So this is it.  The last night before I go back to work.  I still feel guilty, ashamed, and simply inadequate for having this happen.  As hard as I try and even though many people have told me this was the right thing to do for my own health and sanity; as many times as I've tried to tell myself that this was pretty much the only option, I'm often rather a failure at accepting my faults.

I've gotten better about forgiving myself over time, and know that this will be a process re-integrating back into the pressure cooker that is my job. Part of the guilt is the stressful interactions with others, knowing that they haven't had the luck and forgiveness for this kind of leave that they can only dream about.  Honestly, I can't imagine making it through what I know of other peoples' lives since I can truly say I don't think I would succeed.

Mostly I'm scared.  I'm scared of the negative consequences of my leave, although god knows after 2012 I should know there's already a stigma.  Apprehensive of the fact that I'm really not ready to return mentally, although I know I can still fulfill my duties better then most of my team.  Frightened that those who were causing me problems in terms of not backing me up or provoking me will continue that pattern and that I'm going to end up completely losing it at them in retaliation.

I also hope that this may have changed things for the better considering that my usual commitments have been put on others, and they had to step up to the plate for a change instead of expecting me to overextend myself to fix their problems.

There has to be hope to balance the fear, or at least temper it.  I have to do this; walk in as if nothing has happened, calm my nerves, don't throw up, and think of it as starting over in many ways.  Field the million questions that will occur from those who saw the whole process leading up to my leave and reassure them that I'm ok, even though I'm not sure I'm ok when it really comes down to it. In short, hope that I have the resources to feel like I can handle this life, and if not, fake the hell out of it. Luckily I am an expert at doing this in various areas of life. 

I wish I felt confident.  I wish that walking back in wouldn't be so nerve-wracking.  But damn, I wish a lot of things in life didn't occur, so chalk another one up to experience.  That's life. That's trying to stand up against everything that's beat you down over the years. I wish someday that it wouldn't require a major struggle.  Maybe someday if I'm lucky, or if something finally clicks in my brain that's been damaged for years I can experience life that way. That's some sort of hope which I'll take and try to run with as best as possible.