I realize that I haven't posted lately.  Things have been...complicated and I've had a lot on my mind, not all of which I want to share with the entire internet.  The catalyst was that I haven't been paid in 2 months due to an HR problem, but have the savings to cover expenses which I am coming to appreciate more every day.  Most people can at best cover 3 months, or live paycheck to paycheck and pray that there are no sudden expenses that can't be covered.  If anything unexpected happens, they have to go into debt, incurring interest and making the situation worse.

The system is broken. This is not really news. The figurative 99% of people acknowledge this, excepting the 1% who we hear about so often about who are reaping all of the positives.  Yet in polls, that the 1% blames the expanding rampant poverty on lack of strong enough bootstraps to bring them out of their struggles and/or receiving "government handouts" instead of improving their situation is appalling.  Being part of the 99% and having busted my ass since I was 14 and legally allowed to work, I'm angry about this.  It's not new, not a shock to anyone who is the 99%, but there should be some relief somewhere, in some way.  Something to look forward to without having to rely on the "kindness" of corporations which not only never materializes, but where they actively try to keep their workers as beaten down in terms of pay, healthcare, self-esteem, and overall job security as possible.

Those of us not lucky enough to start hedge funds or other vehicles that will rake in millions of dollars (of course having been started with millions of dollars) have to watch as the favored sons from the same companies we work at do so.  The naive think that there will be some payback.  The rest of us know there will be no return except to the millionaires' own pockets, which are already lined thickly enough that they could cover all of us peons with a sudden windfall and not blink an eye.  Hell, they could probably subsidize all of our healthcare bills and relatively new "high deductible" plans,

I try not to be angry.  I'm not sure that's the right attitude to have about this since I have to live with seeing it up close and personal, try not to say something I'll regret, and hear the apologies year after year from my boss((es) I've been through 5 in my tenure) that I deserve more.  The company just can't give me the return I have earned through incredible effort and competency because the billion dollar machine I work for can't spare a cost of living increase at a minimum for those who need it the most as we're the lowest paid. And incidentally, our jobs are the ones that provide necessary information to landing those billion dollar deals.  Then the final kick is our healthcare program changes, which allows us to weigh if we can actually attend a needed physical therapy session for an injury, or forgo it because it would fall under the deductible/out of pocket costs, even in network, that we are now responsible for up to a ridiculous amount of money.  Co-pays are things of the past, apparently.

I have a job.  I'm supposed to be grateful for the corporate "generosity" that exists. There is that. But when I'm faced with the non-raises, the changes of millionaires and billionaires that run in and out of our company while those of us who have worked 10, 15, 20 years for the company now have to defer medical care because of our new policy instituted 3 years ago, and the total disregard for anything resembling corporate responsibility towards the people who enable those who make those billions, I do get angry, despite my best efforts.  Call me human, unlike my corporate overlords.

I just finished watching To Be Takei, a documentary on George Takei that includes his internment as a young boy in the US camps during World War II, the subsequent struggles after the camps were dissolved but Japanese were still seen as the enemy, and of course his coming out and activism for the gay community.  I came away with even more respect for the man since he faced every struggle honestly and gracefully.

In some ways it reminds me of conversations from the Italian side of my family, and occasionally from the Irish side, considering that my aunt and uncle are both around Takei's age. As children, both remember the Great Depression when everyone was striving to hold down jobs in a hostile environment.  My aunt's father failed to keep open a shoe store and a paint store until finally landing a job at Roche.  My uncle's father taught himself to be an electrician despite only finishing 4th grade, and was instrumental in forming a union despite literally being beaten by the company opposing it.

My aunt and uncle remember the incredible poverty and families struggling just to get food on the table.  In so many ways, there were a stunning amount of sacrifices made to ensure the next generation didn't have to suffer the way that my grandparents did.  The Great Depression's generation just worked as hard as they could at every opportunity offered, trusting that they would manage to achieve a better life for them and their children.

I should remember this more.  I've never gone to bed hungry.  I've never been unemployed, nor had my parents or sister unemployed.  In so many ways my life is leaps and bounds better than what our grandparents had to endure, and even better then what my parents dealt with growing up in the post-WWII era. I need to remind myself I should  be grateful, and that as screwed up as things are sometimes, it's all relative. I hope I can hold on to that viewpoint. It does help to have outside perspectives, even from famous figures, to bring that fact home.

I  know this is far from current news, in fact it's been almost a year since he died, but I'm watching Catching Fire again and it's bittersweet to see Philip Seymour Hoffman.  I first remember seeing him in Boogie Nights and noticed the quality of his acting despite it being a relatively minor role.  After he was on my radar though, I could truly appreciate the amazing talent he had to act any part, from empathetic hospice nurse Phil in Magnolia, volatile Dean in Punch Drunk Love, (yes, I do love PTA movies, thank you) to vulnerable Capote, along with so many other incredibly well-played roles.

I completely respect the man for his art.  There are "character actors" (read: not attractive but great talents) who are well-known in Hollywood, but aren't often cast as leads.  Yet they draw you in to their character with complete believability in every role they've done. Philip Seymour Hoffman, John C. Reilly, and William Fichtner make my list of those who can be whatever is required and never make you doubt the plausibility of their current incarnation.  To know that Mockingjay will be the last film he will be in still saddens me.

I do not condemn him for the manner of his death. I saw him one time smoking outside the Waldorf and the first thing that struck me was the blank look in his eyes, his face unshaven, and mind obviously elsewhere. Of course this was at least 5 years ago, but even then I wondered why he was alone and seemed so out of touch with the world passing him on the sidewalk. I had no idea about his past with addiction and depression so I didn't realize this was probably very common for him, but in hindsight it's obvious he really wasn't doing well at the time.

I understand the desire to be the one ducking out the side door, giving yourself a chance to let the smile fade, let your eyes just stare at nothing, and even if you're on the busy NYC streets, knowing that you can let yourself look as devastated as you feel inside without any intrusions, despite all of the people around.  I understand addiction and how hard it can be to even improve, let alone abstain from your vices once and for all.  As much as I disagree with AA and NA in many ways, one thing that they have correct is that you will always be recovering, never recovered.  The saddest fact is that statement applies to depression as well, and when one condition relapses, often the other does as well.

I know many people vilified him because he left behind a family, but I really believe that it was an accidental death.  Did he want to escape from the pain he was feeling? Absolutely.  Was he planning on overdosing?  Doubtful, at least in my opinion.  Every time I see him on the screen, yes, of course he's acting whatever emotion is required. But I will always remember my one sighting of the actual man and his empty expression, the difficulties he was facing, and that he continued to fight as long as he did, leaving a tragic but great legacy.