I'm adjusting to being back in NY a little bit better than I have been. The background on my home computer now is the best shot I got of the sunset in Waikiki to remind me that, even if work is back to daily insanity, I actually got to be in Hawaii. I saw so much that is gorgeous and foreign, and my job allowed it to happen. Today I walked to the southwest side of the 37th floor of my building to see another NYC sunset. Different perspectives, but I took my time instead of rushing back to my desk and came away with a similar feeling of awe and appreciation.

There are times here in New York when everything seems normal, but I understand that in many ways it's not. People come here for a vacation experience, and if they're lucky, at Top of the Rock or the Empire State Building, they might see the sun set over NJ if it's not a cloudy or rainy day. I see the equivalent view from my office building at least 2 days a week and often take it for granted. With the people you talk to in Hawaii it's the same perspective. It's where they get up, work their day job, and if lucky (and not too busy), they catch the natural beauty of a sunset over the ocean as a matter of course. I get that. It's hard after many years to be aware of that tourist feeling; the ones who really feel that gut punch of "Am I here now? Is this really happening? And can I really have been privileged to witness this?"

So I stood for half an hour watching the gold and pink sunset that played across the clouds and illuminated World Trade Center 1. I am one of the lucky ones to have that opportunity on a regular basis, and I should remember that. Occasionally I should think like a tourist.

Life is strange in many ways. When you think that you've worked out a particular problem there's often a new wrinkle to work with. When you're young, you roll with it better. Yet each time you're faced with the unexpected stress of a situation you're not prepared for in any way, shape, or form, reactions vary. For some people they instinctively adapt, some attack the issue, some freeze, some withdraw, and some learn.

I'm a part of the freeze and learn club.

Over time I've learned to acknowledge that most things don't come easily. Do I still freeze? Absolutely, but now I breathe through it and try to mentally reframe so that I don't fall, or if I do, I don't fall as hard. You have to suffer sometimes; things happen that you can’t control, but instead of retreating into your vision of how things should work in your expectations you need to step up.  You also have to accept that you can still step up and fall, even stay down for a bit, but you have to get up again. And again. And again.

It doesn't make life easier. It can make you more resilient by knowing you've been through worse, but also more vulnerable since you're always aware of how fragile the status quo can be. You learn to push on anyway. For me, it's knowing that for now I have relative security with my job and apartment, and most of the things that matter. I've showed up in pain, sick, barely surviving two stops on the subway to the point where others have offered me a seat at the middle of rush hour.

I'm still here, occasionally panicking and freezing but still protecting what I have, learning to work with each situation, and moving forward. And that's the most important thing.

I'm still around, I've just been preoccupied and busy with readjusting to working, work being back to insane, and trying to balance various parts of my life. I have a few posts in the works, but not enough energy or clarity to publish them, so for now it's just a quick update that I will publish an actual post, hopefully in the next week.