I recently returned from another wedding, and I always am touched when you can look into the eyes of the bride and groom and realize that they are this sincere. For the foreseeable future, they really feel that they are two people meant to be together and that this will continue through life events including children, family deaths, other entanglements, and through, as they say, in sickness and in health.
As to how successful each couple is in terms of these is always in flux depending on the circumstances over their marriage, but I understand the ideal that this is built around in terms of how each relationship matures over time. Often the two people move further together or apart as their personalities and desires evolve. I also think this depends quite a bit on two things.
First is the emotional maturity of the couple, not just in absolute age, but in how much they have relatively experienced in terms of adult relationships. How they have dealt with the worst times in life; where the individual knows how to stand strong, but welcomes their partner as a support when needed and vice versa, neither as a savior or permanent crutch, but their love is what spurs them to be there for the other.
Second, how equally the relationship stands in intellectual, vocational, and/or passionate terms where it will not only have to test years of relative predictability, but decades, so that one doesn't feel persecuted, ignored, bored, apathetic, overwhelmed with no support, betrayed, and resent them for those scenarios. If they decide that the positives outweigh the negatives; that this is worth fighting for and working with such a complicated relationship over the years, it's a positive times 10.
It's such a delicate balance in all of those ways that I can't imagine pledging that kind of loyalty to anyone, despite my parents having an almost 44 year old marriage. I watched. I listened. I learned from them, and most married couples I've known.
For those who have found that balance (not perfect, never perfect, but correct for them), I envy them since I can appreciate how rare it is. The idea? Wonderful. But like almost everything that is idealistic, the real world can break apart in a million ways as time wears on and even experience can't answer every question. Every rule has an exception; forgiveness should always be part of the equation in logical circumstances, and even then it may not always work out in the end.
The relationships that have truly worked that I've seen, that have not just been suffered over the years, are the ones that embrace that concept where commitment is a constantly evolving entity. It seems to depend on both parties accepting this, not just the husband, wife, or the current and future problems in the relationship. It's a flexible structure that listens, tries to understands, disagrees, fights sometimes (or often), but at the end realizes that they love each other and that conquers any conflict. They're willing to try again, with a modified understanding, or that there's a major change required. Not that they have to bow to the conflict, but reason it out. Not because there's no option, but because they really love and don't want to let go of the other person. They value the relationship so much that they will accept the flaws and work as best as possible to reconcile them.
To me, that's a successful marriage. Not the initial vows, but the years and hopefully decades that follow to make you a stronger couple. You're not obligated to be together, but are a pair of regular people, choosing and complementing, holding and supporting the love you have for each other. This is how you choose to live.
As to how successful each couple is in terms of these is always in flux depending on the circumstances over their marriage, but I understand the ideal that this is built around in terms of how each relationship matures over time. Often the two people move further together or apart as their personalities and desires evolve. I also think this depends quite a bit on two things.
First is the emotional maturity of the couple, not just in absolute age, but in how much they have relatively experienced in terms of adult relationships. How they have dealt with the worst times in life; where the individual knows how to stand strong, but welcomes their partner as a support when needed and vice versa, neither as a savior or permanent crutch, but their love is what spurs them to be there for the other.
Second, how equally the relationship stands in intellectual, vocational, and/or passionate terms where it will not only have to test years of relative predictability, but decades, so that one doesn't feel persecuted, ignored, bored, apathetic, overwhelmed with no support, betrayed, and resent them for those scenarios. If they decide that the positives outweigh the negatives; that this is worth fighting for and working with such a complicated relationship over the years, it's a positive times 10.
It's such a delicate balance in all of those ways that I can't imagine pledging that kind of loyalty to anyone, despite my parents having an almost 44 year old marriage. I watched. I listened. I learned from them, and most married couples I've known.
For those who have found that balance (not perfect, never perfect, but correct for them), I envy them since I can appreciate how rare it is. The idea? Wonderful. But like almost everything that is idealistic, the real world can break apart in a million ways as time wears on and even experience can't answer every question. Every rule has an exception; forgiveness should always be part of the equation in logical circumstances, and even then it may not always work out in the end.
The relationships that have truly worked that I've seen, that have not just been suffered over the years, are the ones that embrace that concept where commitment is a constantly evolving entity. It seems to depend on both parties accepting this, not just the husband, wife, or the current and future problems in the relationship. It's a flexible structure that listens, tries to understands, disagrees, fights sometimes (or often), but at the end realizes that they love each other and that conquers any conflict. They're willing to try again, with a modified understanding, or that there's a major change required. Not that they have to bow to the conflict, but reason it out. Not because there's no option, but because they really love and don't want to let go of the other person. They value the relationship so much that they will accept the flaws and work as best as possible to reconcile them.
To me, that's a successful marriage. Not the initial vows, but the years and hopefully decades that follow to make you a stronger couple. You're not obligated to be together, but are a pair of regular people, choosing and complementing, holding and supporting the love you have for each other. This is how you choose to live.
posted by AnonymousX at 7:11 PM
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