To say this has been a terribly unhealthy start to the year is putting it lightly since all I seem to do is get sicker and sicker, even though I'm trying to make my doctor appointments and address these problems. I landed in the hospital again this past weekend and am still making my way through the subsequent scheduled post-appointments while dealing with a severe cold given to me by one of the RNs.

There are decisions in your life that will make a major impact, and one of the worst parts is that you know you have to keep going even when you want to just hide or, as they say, "shelter in place."  You try to weigh the emotional, monetary, logistic, and mental consequences that will be taken if you choose that road. And if you have no firm answer, you still must decide to risk everything or stay where you are.

Then again, you're lucky enough if you have that time to deliberate. Everyone speaks of choices and reasoning out what's best, but when it comes down to it, there are many times you have to decide NOW. No leeway, just action. Those are the worst situations, the ones you wish most that you had more time to seek opinions, think it over, and work with what you know. Those are the ones that blindside you and you're simply left scrambling to figure out the best course of action, particularly when you're so sick you're barely rational.

We all experience something like this no matter what social class or circumstance we find ourselves in, and how we react speaks a lot about our past experiences and personalities.

I've been sick so often in my lifetime, and in hospital probably twice as much as the average person my age, so it's hardly new ground for me, but it seems like another cycle's starting again where my body is just breaking down. Ironically enough, it's not the weather; I prefer colder weather, but this is just messing with my body with illnesses, and overheating or freezing depending on the day since my internal temperature control seems to have broken over the past year. I used to be able to walk comfortably on a 20 degree day. Now at 30-40 degrees I can't get my internal temperature regulated properly.

I think in some ways I saw part of this coming considering how desperately I pleaded for months to have minimal concessions made at my my job. I knew that my body was breaking, and usually my worst issues follow, but got no traction whatsoever. I think I may have to push even harder now and give an ultimatum because I'm sick enough now that it's truly endangering my health. I can't have seizures. I can't push it any further. These are things that are life-threatening. If I'd had that major seizure five seconds beforehand, when I was still on the subway steps, I easily could have fallen and snapped my neck or cracked my skull.

I don't know what to do. Normal people can do this. Normal people don't have the feedback loops and consequences that happen in my head, but have always been a danger to watch out for, but I've ignored it and pushed forward anyway. Until I fall. Now, apparently, literally.

This was a big wakeup call in a lot of ways, and I need to have a lot of conversations when I get back, both with my department and healthcare. If this goes on, I won't make it. I hate to admit it, but I'm actually in danger of continuing because there's no warning. I just collapse, so there's no prophylactic measures I can take. I guess I'll see how it works or doesn't work out.