I think that I've always had the desire to take care of people, shepherd them in a direction that makes them comfortable with their surroundings and ease a transition into a different lifestyle. I've donated to the Bowery Mission for over a decade to help that cause, served lunch on the line, and reached out to others in need when the opportunity presented itself. It was a natural extension of myself and something I've never regretted.

In between, I've neglected myself. I wish those words weren't true, but they are the base of who I am; I will extend a hand to help others when I'm drowning myself. I always think that at least I won't drag them down, and instead try to throw them above where I am to hopefully improve their lives.

What does that mean about myself? It's deflection of the greatest kind and an inability to be selfish about what I should do and have, even with the successes I've had in life and work. Of course those came with a lot of forgiveness from my bosses and my capability to do more than everyone else when I could make it in to work. I've hit a giant breaking point and hope that I can work on this to make this better, and make it so that I'm not just clinging to my own problems.

Most interestingly to me will be going where I will find it to be too easy to try and fix and support others, and seeing if I can learn to lean on others instead of feeling that others are the priority. I don't know the answer, and that's a powerful statement in and of itself. Most of us find many situations where "I don't know" is the accurate reply, and we just don't want to admit it. One of my faults has not been denial, thankfully, so I'm starting with a leg up on that at least.

So I'm trying to start a new chapter. For the first time in 10 years, I won't feel that this is a bad thing and will enter it with open mind and eyes to try and face my weaknesses while trying to focus on my strengths. It's a start, and I can accept that for now. Right now I need to be selfish, and that's okay.