I'm currently in an outpatient therapy program, but there is a fundamental disconnect between what I'm hearing and what I experience. These people are slagging everyone they know who still drinks as boring, self-absorbed drunks, but hello, you were just one of them. Are there people that description applies to? Yes. Do I think it’s everyone they know? Hell no. Did it drive some of them to drink? Maybe. Overall there’s some weird superiority synergy going which I find rather appalling and just increases my disdain for this group, this treatment, and these people in general.

Then there's one girl who monopolizes the group with anger and has lashed out at me specifically and life in general. She’s annoyed because her coworkers spent 3 days this week out drinking for the afternoon. She used to go with them, so after 37 days sober all of a sudden this is unacceptable? Pot, meet kettle. I so badly wanted to say something to that effect, but all I need is for her to jump down my throat again, particularly when the rest of the group agreed, and I haven’t really managed much bonding with anyone. For the past two days I’ve mostly volunteered factual information, and the two others who I did relate decently well to in temperament and philosophy are now gone (one "graduated," one has insurance issues).

Basically I got along better with another group I was in that encompassed crackheads, homeless, heroin addicts, and Xanax addicts. Every one had some serious perspective on how bad things can really get and are grateful for the chance to change. The sense of entitlement or superiority wasn't as prevalent and the motivation to improve themselves, not be resentful of others, was far stronger and created more meaningful conversations and results. Every person knew they were fatally flawed and accepted it as they tried to move on to a healthier existence.

Staying in this current group isn't something I'm sure that I want to do, mostly because I think it will just create repression and tension that I don't need in my life. I have the energy to fight for myself, but not to fight an entire group's attitude when it will only alienate me further from the people I would have to deal with. I'm hugely disappointed since I was expecting something closer to the experience I had in the last group, but we have to deal with the hand we're given. I'll wait and see how things go this week, but if there's no improvement, I think I'm done. I'll take whatever positives I did get, and leave to try and make it on my own yet again. I really do hope it will improve, but there are no guarantees and so far little encouragement. I owe myself at least one last shot to find the support I'm looking for, though.