It’s over. My intake process for intensive outpatient therapy failed me again, since today when I explained my history to their psychiatrist I was basically told that I’m too high of a risk. I think the real fear is that I would skew their statistics and reflect badly on them by not being a simple success story due to my complicated mental health issues. Bottom line, I’m out of Hazelden‘s intensive outpatient. There was a half-hearted recommendation to a dual diagnosis program, but I sensed that he really just wanted me out of his office and life, never to return. I extracted a promise for a recommendation if necessary, gave the group counselor who’s been there the past 9 days with me the short version and left.

Am I upset? Yes. Basically I was told I’m too unstable from a lifetime of mental illness to be in any type of regular program despite that mental component being better controlled then it has been in a long, long time. Am I angry? Most definitely. Partly at myself for not maintaining 100% sobriety, but mostly because this is twice now where I’ve been failed by the intake procedure. I went in with honesty and good intent and have had it thrown in my face. I also know damn well that all the group members will hear is that I will not be returning. They’ll never know that I was basically kicked out to minimize the program‘s limitations.

For now, despite the negative emotions swirling around this whole experience, I have pride in sticking around as long as I did. I was a normal, sober self during the general workshop, and opened up in group (which was the appropriate forum) where everyone only knew the depths of my troubles when I told them straight up. This is how I’m working on my life right now, even when I’m still suffering mentally, emotionally, and physically on a daily basis, yet still have emerged from this dark year stronger in many ways. Setbacks happen, but this was a particularly large one.

I’ll get over it, and this decision echoed what I had been thinking about needing a dual diagnosis group that relates to the multi-symptom problems I have. On Tuesday I’ll meet with my regular psychiatrist and start over again somewhere new soon. As long as I’m within this year and in network I won’t have to pay a new deductible, but I’ll manage as best I can; it’s what I do, especially when things like this keep getting in the way. Another harsh lesson learned, but I think I’ll check what they put on record next time, and hold them accountable for being honest with me from the beginning.