Basically I spent a week in fear and suspense that anything I do wrong could weigh against me yet again. I also find that my greatest initial obstacle who was the catalyst for my first expulsion is leaving. Thank god. Even the remaining days spent in group therapy with her were excruciating since I didn't dare say anything in case I instigated a repeat of the first "mystery absence".

I still haven't met again with the psychiatrist who kicked me out the second disastrous time, and I doubt I will ever again considering what occurred.

What kind of environment is this to be in when talking about recovery, about acceptance, and about judgement? Personally, I'm thinking it's an awful reflection of a supposedly healthy one. Monday I meet one on one with the person who knows everything that's gone on and yet actively agreed me with leaving the program both times.  I plan to quiz him with all of my awkward questions. If I'm lucky I'll put him in the same place he failed me by not being a moderator and not only allowing a new member to be savaged but advocating a temporary leave.

I also want to do this in private since if the program is working for others I don't want to undermine his authority in their presence, so we'll go mano a mano, me knowing full well that whatever I say won't be expressed to the group. I'll simply be "leaving permanently because of circumstances" or other euphemisms that occur, even though we all know it means "shit went down." There are just so many ways shit can go down that no one ever really finds out the truth. And I also wonder; there's confidentiality, then there's willful obfuscation. I think this place practices the latter for legal reasons.

If I leave this time it's for good. I'm done. As I wrote, I was giving it one more try, but after this week I'm ready for another rejection.  It's wholly possible that the third time quitting, but for once of my own volition, is what's right for me.