I'm trying to be patient. I rarely get things for myself, but for the first time in years I'm pushing to be more balanced and filling some areas I've neglected. The last time I really succeeded in that was nine years ago at the beginning of 2007 when I moved to my last apartment. I got a real bed, a new computer, new clothes, and generally tried to see it as a whole reboot since I had also started my new job in October of 2006.
I've now been in my job ten years, which is hard to believe since there have been a million changes, and quite a few opportunities to fire me but for the grace of having forgiving bosses. And, to be honest, I'm damn good at what I do. I think the anniversary made me really re-evaluate everything, along with all I've been going through, and the conclusion I came to was that I'm in the right place. I'm in the right job; although our greater division is totally dysfunctional I work with some of the most wonderful and intelligent people I've ever known. We function as a whole, help each other, acknowledge our individual strengths and weaknesses, and there's zero backstabbing. How many people can say that about their colleagues?
Now that I've re-evaluated work, I'm in the same process with life and my needs. Over time I've allowed myself to fade into the background, to be a prop in my own narrative where things just happen without any guiding purpose. I'm not going to get religion or any of the other cliches about "finding yourself," but I'm improving some things materially and emotionally. I once again have new clothes, a new computer, and am slowly replacing things that I need but didn't have the energy or willpower to address before now.
Mentally my brain is still fighting me with everything it has, but I'm trying to fight back. Ten years of apathy, let alone twenty four years of constant setbacks leaves a lot of emotional scars, but it also informs me about what does and doesn't work. I finally feel that I'm worth that fight, maybe not every day, but I'm going in with open mind and eyes, to find yet again what works.
And I might get a new bed :).
I've now been in my job ten years, which is hard to believe since there have been a million changes, and quite a few opportunities to fire me but for the grace of having forgiving bosses. And, to be honest, I'm damn good at what I do. I think the anniversary made me really re-evaluate everything, along with all I've been going through, and the conclusion I came to was that I'm in the right place. I'm in the right job; although our greater division is totally dysfunctional I work with some of the most wonderful and intelligent people I've ever known. We function as a whole, help each other, acknowledge our individual strengths and weaknesses, and there's zero backstabbing. How many people can say that about their colleagues?
Now that I've re-evaluated work, I'm in the same process with life and my needs. Over time I've allowed myself to fade into the background, to be a prop in my own narrative where things just happen without any guiding purpose. I'm not going to get religion or any of the other cliches about "finding yourself," but I'm improving some things materially and emotionally. I once again have new clothes, a new computer, and am slowly replacing things that I need but didn't have the energy or willpower to address before now.
Mentally my brain is still fighting me with everything it has, but I'm trying to fight back. Ten years of apathy, let alone twenty four years of constant setbacks leaves a lot of emotional scars, but it also informs me about what does and doesn't work. I finally feel that I'm worth that fight, maybe not every day, but I'm going in with open mind and eyes, to find yet again what works.
And I might get a new bed :).
posted by AnonymousX at 6:55 PM
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