Sometimes things just throw you off the rails and back into rage mode. It happened again, after a pleasant Thanksgiving, and then multiple familial interactions that just piled up one after the other that enraged me. I wish family was a safe space, where I gain strength from their support and love.

It's never been that way since I was 13, and has gotten worse as time passes. Part of it is my fault and I admit that. However, the other side of blame is what makes me want to cut my family out of my life since they don't own it or deal in the real world to try and fix or at least minimize their damage to our family.

I still love them, but I never thought that I would simultaneously hate them. I think I can officially say that now, while preparing for the last days of multiple family members. It's awful to think about, but it's realistic. I have power of attorney, and know what to do. I just wish I regretted it more.