Despite the apprehension, the uncertainty, and ambivalence, I know that I made the right decision. For the first time in ten years I can say that I'm glad I'm sober, which is a monumental achievement in my book.
I returned on Monday, but haven't been sure what to write since I wanted to see how I felt being back in my apartment and back in the life that I stepped out of for a month. I'm happy to say that I feel calm and ready, even after three days here. It's night and day from how I felt before I left, sick, frightened, and ready to do anything to escape my life as it was. Anything except suffer alone through the withdrawal and mental anguish which I knew was waiting for me when I stopped drinking.
Sadly, I was right about that part. The first week and a half at detox and rehab was surreal and incredibly difficult, where my mind was actively fighting me the entire time trying to convince me that I could leave at any time, why was I not going back to my job or still drinking? Was I insane? In a sense, yes, but as time went on and I moved toward relatively longer term sobriety I gained calm, and perspective to see how badly I needed help to get past this. If I was still trying to do it on my own the chance of success would have been nil.
I also acknowledge how grateful and lucky I am that I was able to go to a rehab. Many people can't swing it, either occupationally or financially, but I could take short term disability and the money that was reserved for some day going back to grad school and use it instead for a crash course in sober living. It's hardly a guarantee but will at least give me a head start in saving my life (and that's not hyperbole).
I'm still not a huge fan of AA, but will try to go to meetings a couple of times a week. I'm doing outpatient most days after work and like the place better than the last one I tried pre-rehab, so that should give me enough outside help to continue increasing my day count. I'll try to do the next right thing and find what works for me. But at least I have hope, which I could not have said a little over a month ago. I'll take it for now.
I returned on Monday, but haven't been sure what to write since I wanted to see how I felt being back in my apartment and back in the life that I stepped out of for a month. I'm happy to say that I feel calm and ready, even after three days here. It's night and day from how I felt before I left, sick, frightened, and ready to do anything to escape my life as it was. Anything except suffer alone through the withdrawal and mental anguish which I knew was waiting for me when I stopped drinking.
Sadly, I was right about that part. The first week and a half at detox and rehab was surreal and incredibly difficult, where my mind was actively fighting me the entire time trying to convince me that I could leave at any time, why was I not going back to my job or still drinking? Was I insane? In a sense, yes, but as time went on and I moved toward relatively longer term sobriety I gained calm, and perspective to see how badly I needed help to get past this. If I was still trying to do it on my own the chance of success would have been nil.
I also acknowledge how grateful and lucky I am that I was able to go to a rehab. Many people can't swing it, either occupationally or financially, but I could take short term disability and the money that was reserved for some day going back to grad school and use it instead for a crash course in sober living. It's hardly a guarantee but will at least give me a head start in saving my life (and that's not hyperbole).
I'm still not a huge fan of AA, but will try to go to meetings a couple of times a week. I'm doing outpatient most days after work and like the place better than the last one I tried pre-rehab, so that should give me enough outside help to continue increasing my day count. I'll try to do the next right thing and find what works for me. But at least I have hope, which I could not have said a little over a month ago. I'll take it for now.
posted by AnonymousX at 10:49 PM
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