I understand the purpose of an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). The more structured your day is, the less likely you are to pick up or fall into other addictions. However, in my spoiled little world I find it a bit much. Up at 5:45, work 7:45 until 4:45-5, then directly to the IOP until 8:30 and finally home and settled in pajamas by 9-9:30pm. Just enough time to relax for an hour or so, then off to bed to do it again.

The first one back in October felt onerous. I was miserable at my job and at the IOP. I have very rarely quit things in my life but that was a toxic situation that I chose to leave for my own sanity, and it didn't alleviate the root problem of my drinking. Maybe it was the bad experiences with the program, maybe it was the lack of relatability to others in my groups, but most definitely it was the inability to fit together more than a week of sobriety.

This time I feel differently. After rehab I entered this IOP with 34 sober days already accomplished. I'm motivated and although exhausted by the rigorous schedule, I enjoy my groups and the people that I'm there with. I have a newfound appreciation and attitude towards my job, and a desire not to destroy my body anymore. So even though I'm resettling into my regular life with extra time commitments, I'm determined to do this.

This is not to say I'm perfect; I'm still constantly craving carbs and have a few piles of papers to go through, but I'm back on track, bills paid, job intact, money coming in, and overall haven't lost much compared to so many other addicts. Rehab gives you perspective with that as well, no arrests or legal issues, no living in halfway houses or being homeless, and no prostitution or loss of family members' support.

I have a lot to live for and I honestly feel that way for the first time in a long time. Exhaustion from an IOP (a luxury as well) is a miniscule price to pay to give me the best chance possible to stay clean.