I've had a lot on my mind, but nothing to do with Valentine's Day (Happy V Day everyone!) although I did buy myself flowers and chocolates. I can afford that and have no shame in doing so.
What's really been bothering me is that I'm doing all of the right things, but I'm not getting the mental peace that I so desperately need. I've discussed it with my psychiatrist, and while therapy's helping to organize my thoughts and bring my subconscious discomfort to my conscious mind, I still have no answers.
In early recovery there are certain AA sobriety milestones, 24 hours, 30, 60, and 90 days, 6 and 9 months, then a yearly coin. My 60 days was February 5th, and I'm having trouble putting it into a positive perspective; all I really want to do is get fucked up. We're told about urges and cravings, but the desire's been constant for a week and half, and that combined with the long days and lack (for me) of adequate sleep is wearing me down even more than usual. I didn't expect a pink cloud or miraculous blessings to fall from heaven and make my life more tolerable at my worst times. Intellectually I know this is a long, long process that may take many years to show material gains.
The emotional part of myself, however wants stronger reasons to keep going and I want it now. I want to not be lonely, having barely connected with one person I met in AA. I'm going to most meetings out of responsibility, not a desire to participate, so I feel like I'm just killing time. I want my aches and pains to be numbed away and the exhaustion to be masked, even for a time. Most of all I want my mind quieted and altered so that I can only handle one thought at a time and my worries disappear. I'm tired of fighting my own brain and body to stay on the straight and narrow, something that "normal" people simply do without thinking about it.
I kept hoping these feelings would mitigate or even go away if I waited it out. For eight days I've conquered my worst impulses. I just have to keep on going and trust that this too shall pass, hopefully in the next week. I'm still sober, and I need to remind myself that counts for everything right now. I will do this.
What's really been bothering me is that I'm doing all of the right things, but I'm not getting the mental peace that I so desperately need. I've discussed it with my psychiatrist, and while therapy's helping to organize my thoughts and bring my subconscious discomfort to my conscious mind, I still have no answers.
In early recovery there are certain AA sobriety milestones, 24 hours, 30, 60, and 90 days, 6 and 9 months, then a yearly coin. My 60 days was February 5th, and I'm having trouble putting it into a positive perspective; all I really want to do is get fucked up. We're told about urges and cravings, but the desire's been constant for a week and half, and that combined with the long days and lack (for me) of adequate sleep is wearing me down even more than usual. I didn't expect a pink cloud or miraculous blessings to fall from heaven and make my life more tolerable at my worst times. Intellectually I know this is a long, long process that may take many years to show material gains.
The emotional part of myself, however wants stronger reasons to keep going and I want it now. I want to not be lonely, having barely connected with one person I met in AA. I'm going to most meetings out of responsibility, not a desire to participate, so I feel like I'm just killing time. I want my aches and pains to be numbed away and the exhaustion to be masked, even for a time. Most of all I want my mind quieted and altered so that I can only handle one thought at a time and my worries disappear. I'm tired of fighting my own brain and body to stay on the straight and narrow, something that "normal" people simply do without thinking about it.
I kept hoping these feelings would mitigate or even go away if I waited it out. For eight days I've conquered my worst impulses. I just have to keep on going and trust that this too shall pass, hopefully in the next week. I'm still sober, and I need to remind myself that counts for everything right now. I will do this.
posted by AnonymousX at 9:50 PM
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