The big 90. It was a very chill day overall since I’m still not really excited over any of this sober process, but I will accept that it is an accomplishment, albeit a small one. I also talked to my psychiatrist about discontinuing the Campral. I stopped the Antabuse around day 70 and was perfectly fine without it, so I’m hoping the same thing will happen again. I presume it will, since as I’ve mentioned, I don’t really have urges or cravings like a normal person.

Over the past few months I’ve had a lot of time to examine my reactions to becoming sober in all its myriad facets, mind, body, emotions, and overall life. I think that for me the equivalent of urges and cravings are wishes. Some part of me hasn’t let go of the times when I could go out and have a good time drinking, not falling or blacking out. Or worse, at the end drinking solely at home so that I didn’t accidentally do anything I would regret and not remember. Remembering those feelings, however, quell the wishing rather effectively. I never want to be there again, and physically I know I can’t.

There’s an old saying that if wishes were horses, everyone would ride. I would have a dozen stables just from the past 90 days if that were the case, but I’m learning to live with it. Hopefully this will be another step toward achieving a “normal” life and I need to acknowledge that while parts of the past were great, wishing won’t bring them back. And I will one day be okay with that.