Yesterday was 90 days sober, not counting rehab time, and I really can't say much has changed except that I feel less convinced than ever that AA is going to be a lifestyle for me. I still go to one meeting a week, down from 2 AA and 1 SMART meetings. I still meet with my sponsor afterward, who remains a wonderful woman in all respects although she is a true AA believer, but am also still disillusioned with the process. I feel like I should at least go through the motions until I have more time, but some things disturb me more than I anticipated.
Yes, I'm still not feeling the Higher Power thing and doubt I ever will, but even setting aside that major stumbling block, other things cause me to recoil from their mindset. First of all, there is an absolute conviction that if you stop going to meetings you WILL relapse, and either die or come crawling back into the rooms a broken creature to be rebuilt again through AA. I understand that fear holds a lot of people in the program indefinitely but the above is not a fact. The truth is that plenty of people have gotten sober on their own, through SMART, therapy, or other means, and AA is just the best known support group. Period. I have not needed slavish attendance to remain sober, and hearing that "there is only one way" to stave off relapse over and over just makes me want to walk out for good, if for no other reason than to show them it's just not true.
Addressing another tenet I disagree with, after my Sunday meeting I stayed to speak to a girl who had 16 days back after 3 years sober. Back, in AA-speak, means that she relapsed after those 3 years and since she returned to AA her day count returns to zero and builds from there. She looked very beaten down, as do many who come back, so I committed AA heresy and told her to be proud instead. Count those 3 years as the achievement they are, see this as a small setback, and don't be ashamed of anything she had done. Her eyes lit up with a little bit of hope and my hope is that I lessened the guilt and feelings of failure that she was experiencing and are only exacerbated by the AA doctrine of completely discounting previous sober time. I don't want to be part of a program that uses shame and guilt to keep you coming back because it works if you work it, etc. Those feelings led me to drink in the first place, so reigniting them would prime me for relapse, not prevent it.
This type of blind following of AA meetings and teachings, touted as daily medicine for an incurable disease, makes me sick (ha ha). But that's a point for another time and another rant. In the meantime I'll be glad I have 4 months, 3 out of rehab months, and have my own continuation plan. And try not to rant too much about AA :).
Yes, I'm still not feeling the Higher Power thing and doubt I ever will, but even setting aside that major stumbling block, other things cause me to recoil from their mindset. First of all, there is an absolute conviction that if you stop going to meetings you WILL relapse, and either die or come crawling back into the rooms a broken creature to be rebuilt again through AA. I understand that fear holds a lot of people in the program indefinitely but the above is not a fact. The truth is that plenty of people have gotten sober on their own, through SMART, therapy, or other means, and AA is just the best known support group. Period. I have not needed slavish attendance to remain sober, and hearing that "there is only one way" to stave off relapse over and over just makes me want to walk out for good, if for no other reason than to show them it's just not true.
Addressing another tenet I disagree with, after my Sunday meeting I stayed to speak to a girl who had 16 days back after 3 years sober. Back, in AA-speak, means that she relapsed after those 3 years and since she returned to AA her day count returns to zero and builds from there. She looked very beaten down, as do many who come back, so I committed AA heresy and told her to be proud instead. Count those 3 years as the achievement they are, see this as a small setback, and don't be ashamed of anything she had done. Her eyes lit up with a little bit of hope and my hope is that I lessened the guilt and feelings of failure that she was experiencing and are only exacerbated by the AA doctrine of completely discounting previous sober time. I don't want to be part of a program that uses shame and guilt to keep you coming back because it works if you work it, etc. Those feelings led me to drink in the first place, so reigniting them would prime me for relapse, not prevent it.
This type of blind following of AA meetings and teachings, touted as daily medicine for an incurable disease, makes me sick (ha ha). But that's a point for another time and another rant. In the meantime I'll be glad I have 4 months, 3 out of rehab months, and have my own continuation plan. And try not to rant too much about AA :).
posted by AnonymousX at 8:30 PM
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