It's 4:30am and I've already been up for over an hour. Everything went well at home for my birthday and I even had a few days off but I find myself sleepless for no good reason except that today I step back into my current life.

It's not that I don't realize how lucky I am to have it, I very much enjoyed settling back in after 5 days, watering my plants, getting things ready for work, etc, but I think the combination of low-level stress here and having caught up on sleep finally broke through my crazy sleep need. I'll find out if/when I fall asleep at work!

There's a lot to think about and I do hope that things work out the way they should, but I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo, waiting for something that is so nebulous it moves out of reach every time. Not where I wanted to be at 38, but at least I made it to this age with some modicum of security and 179 days sober. That is an achievement I'm happy about.