Saturday, July 29, 2017

I finally got some sleep. And by "some" I mean about 15 hours, which was fine by me. I knew today I only had a call at 2:30 to be awake for, so getting up at 1:30 was perfect. I've tried to sleep for the past 3 weeks with only varying success between the heat, anxiety, and usual difficulties.

I'm also taking this weekend easy purposefully since I have to go back to Jersey next weekend for what could be a wonderful or disastrous birthday party for my uncle who's turning 90 this year. I wish I could say I'm not worried about it, but considering last year two of his sons had a blowout that cancelled the entire party, I really hope and pray that everything goes well.

I also hope that if it doesn't and I'm present I don't want to kill them both then and there for being selfish assholes. And if I do have to get involved, I hope that I can help and not make things worse. I suppose we shall see.

Either way I'll be at my parents for a few days, which I am looking forward to. But someday I'll get a real vacation again, I swear.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I partially lied. I had a lot to say and deal with, but hadn't processed it well or given myself the time needed to do so without simply pushing it down to my subconscious.

July 12th was my bi-annual checkup, which unexpectedly was with a new hepatologist, so once again I had to recite my illustrious medical history prior to the cirrhosis. You know, the surgeries and illnesses at 20 and 21 that led to significant abdominal scar tissue, a constant pain which worsened as I got older and my body couldn't repair itself as well. Then there's the psychological history which was also never properly addressed until about a year ago.

These are also known as the things I drank over that eventually destroyed my social relationships as I descended into true alcoholism. Somehow I find it worse when even the doctors go "wow, that's a lot especially for your age!" In my mind it reflects on how I was given a crap genetic hand as well as a lot of suffering that still leaves me with nightmares, and how poorly I dealt with it.

It reminds me of how much I've lost, and that there seems to be so little that's in my control. Another MRI and a bone scan have been ordered, and the last MRI the contrast medium BURNED. More pain, making time on top of a full work schedule, more stress.

If you throw anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment, sorrow, and regret into a blender, that's where I was. So I drank again. I planned it for three days, went on a bender for three days (although I only meant it to be one), and have been sober since.

I re-learned that my liver won't last more than 2 days before I start getting physical signals it's unhappy with constant drinking. A blessing in disguise I suppose since I also learned that I still have minimal control, and that an ER is still where I'll quickly end up if I don't stay dry.

I'm starting to deal with the newest information and feelings brought up by all of this, and can't guarantee some of it will just be consigned to the dark corner of my mind of things I can't even start to resolve. My defaults remain the same, I just try not to let them overwhelm me.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

I'm still around, but have had better weeks. Not much to say.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Happy Fourth of July, despite the daily idiocy and incompetence coming out of the White House. I'm still recovering from throwing out my back last Friday. I had to cancel all of my plans, but could start to turn my head by late Saturday, and now have almost full mobility back, so I'm incredibly thankful for that!

This happens at least a few times a year since a 2005 four-car accident I was involved in (NOT my fault!). By now I have the routine down, move like a robot, squeak in pain if I move too fast, use Ben Gay as often as possible, rest where I can and hope it goes away in less than a week. It was about average this time around.

There should be a required medical follow-up when an incident occurs. When I was in the car accident, they had to check for a broken pelvis, sternal impact, and make sure that the neck & back problems which plague me to this day weren't indicative of hairline fractures or torn ligaments. If I had any of those and had never seen a doctor, I could have easily been crippled. What I have now is occasional bearable pain that I don't have to worry about being a sign of something worse, thanks to the medical profession.

I was thrilled to see the Senate healthcare bill basically crash and burn for now, and I can only hope that people continue to make their voices heard. Healthcare is not a privilege, and more than anything else preventative care is a compassionate as well as a very effective cost-saving method. For all of the rhetoric around denying coverage in the name of savings from wasted tests, etc, even if everyone only went for an annual general physical and basic blood tests (glucose, CBC, CMP at the least), a host of problems could be discovered and addressed before they became chronic, irreversible diseases.

In an annual checkup many patients are surprised to find out they have high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, abnormal liver or kidney functions, skin cancer, and other issues that a single exam could diagnose before a medical crisis. I'm begging our government. We hold these truths to be self-evident, and LIFE is one of the freedoms guaranteed in the Constitution. Free preventative care can easily go miles towards maintaining and improving our nation's right to life, and most importantly a reasonably healthy one.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

In the past year, I've gained 40 lbs, and 20 of them in the last 7 months. Not a pretty thing for me to watch.

I've switched to carrots and two granola bars a day for snacks. I'm limiting what I buy at the food bar to at least one protein and between 1/2 to 1 pound total for lunch. No more drinking alcohol, no fruit juices or non-diet sodas, just flavored seltzer, Bai, coffee, and water.

My remaining vice has been ice cream, and I'm not talking about the generic or Breyer's. No, I went for Ben & Jerry's, only to find they've tinkered with the formula and Strawberry Cheesecake's the only decent one left. Haagen-Dazs is as reliable as ever, so hello Pineapple Coconut and White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle. Talenti I will devour almost every flavor possible, particularly Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip and Caribbean Coconut.

This is now a problem of around 1,000 extra calories a day. Then I discovered Halo Top in the past tw weeks. A whole pint is around 300 calories, and the flavor isn't that bad!

An extra 700 calories saved per day should help, I think. If not I might have to do something far more expensive and less desirable and join a gym. I hope this will work instead.