I partially lied. I had a lot to say and deal with, but hadn't processed it well or given myself the time needed to do so without simply pushing it down to my subconscious.
July 12th was my bi-annual checkup, which unexpectedly was with a new hepatologist, so once again I had to recite my illustrious medical history prior to the cirrhosis. You know, the surgeries and illnesses at 20 and 21 that led to significant abdominal scar tissue, a constant pain which worsened as I got older and my body couldn't repair itself as well. Then there's the psychological history which was also never properly addressed until about a year ago.
These are also known as the things I drank over that eventually destroyed my social relationships as I descended into true alcoholism. Somehow I find it worse when even the doctors go "wow, that's a lot especially for your age!" In my mind it reflects on how I was given a crap genetic hand as well as a lot of suffering that still leaves me with nightmares, and how poorly I dealt with it.
It reminds me of how much I've lost, and that there seems to be so little that's in my control. Another MRI and a bone scan have been ordered, and the last MRI the contrast medium BURNED. More pain, making time on top of a full work schedule, more stress.
If you throw anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment, sorrow, and regret into a blender, that's where I was. So I drank again. I planned it for three days, went on a bender for three days (although I only meant it to be one), and have been sober since.
I re-learned that my liver won't last more than 2 days before I start getting physical signals it's unhappy with constant drinking. A blessing in disguise I suppose since I also learned that I still have minimal control, and that an ER is still where I'll quickly end up if I don't stay dry.
I'm starting to deal with the newest information and feelings brought up by all of this, and can't guarantee some of it will just be consigned to the dark corner of my mind of things I can't even start to resolve. My defaults remain the same, I just try not to let them overwhelm me.
July 12th was my bi-annual checkup, which unexpectedly was with a new hepatologist, so once again I had to recite my illustrious medical history prior to the cirrhosis. You know, the surgeries and illnesses at 20 and 21 that led to significant abdominal scar tissue, a constant pain which worsened as I got older and my body couldn't repair itself as well. Then there's the psychological history which was also never properly addressed until about a year ago.
These are also known as the things I drank over that eventually destroyed my social relationships as I descended into true alcoholism. Somehow I find it worse when even the doctors go "wow, that's a lot especially for your age!" In my mind it reflects on how I was given a crap genetic hand as well as a lot of suffering that still leaves me with nightmares, and how poorly I dealt with it.
It reminds me of how much I've lost, and that there seems to be so little that's in my control. Another MRI and a bone scan have been ordered, and the last MRI the contrast medium BURNED. More pain, making time on top of a full work schedule, more stress.
If you throw anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment, sorrow, and regret into a blender, that's where I was. So I drank again. I planned it for three days, went on a bender for three days (although I only meant it to be one), and have been sober since.
I re-learned that my liver won't last more than 2 days before I start getting physical signals it's unhappy with constant drinking. A blessing in disguise I suppose since I also learned that I still have minimal control, and that an ER is still where I'll quickly end up if I don't stay dry.
I'm starting to deal with the newest information and feelings brought up by all of this, and can't guarantee some of it will just be consigned to the dark corner of my mind of things I can't even start to resolve. My defaults remain the same, I just try not to let them overwhelm me.
posted by AnonymousX at 8:13 PM
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